471 - The Science of Possessiveness
Why does possessiveness matter?
For those of us in consensual non-monogamous relationships, unlearning possessiveness is often at the core of the non-monogamous ethos, along with accepting that our partners are fully autonomous individuals who do not belong to us. Even monogamous folks need to navigate the idea of ownership over another person and how much they each agree to.
Possessiveness is often perceived as the “desire to control or dominate a partner, based under the assumption that you ‘possess’ their time, their attention, their body, their love, etc.” It is highly subjective and can be influenced by macro- or microculture around you.
The subjective scale of possessiveness may look like:
Classically abusive or controlling behavior like isolating a partner from friends and family, monitoring their communication or digital life, dictating what they wear (intense end of the spectrum).
Things like excessive texting and calling, fast-tracking a relationship to “pin down” the person, creating obstacles to the other person making independent plans (middle of the spectrum).
Extremely subjective towards the less intense end of the spectrum, like:
For some people, wanting a partner to send a goodnight text even when they are off on a sleepover with someone else could be seen as romantic and reassuring, and for other people that could seem possessive and controlling.
Wanting your partner to post pictures on their social media of the two of you together could be seen as sweet and bonding, or other people could interpret that as being a marker of possessiveness and dictating how the other person presents themselves and their relationships to the world.
Wanting your live-in partner to check in with you as part of their planning for spending time with another partner could be seen as courtesy, or it could be seen as possessiveness over the other person’s time.
What does science say?
According to the research, possessiveness is described as a “mate-retention” behavior, which fall into two different categories:
Benefit-inducing behaviors: Doing things to add value to the relationship and make our partner not want to lose the “benefit” of being with us. These are the good things: gifts, affection, acts of service, caring for a partner when sick, etc.
Cost-inducing behaviors: Doing things to make the partner feel like it will be “costly” if they leave us via more manipulative and harmful approaches. This is the less-than-stellar behavior like trying to induce jealousy in the other person, emotionally withdrawing, punishing, trash-talking perceived “competitors” like possible other partners or metamours.
Possessive behavior falls under the category of a cost-inducing behavior.
How to combat possessiveness?
Some ways we suggest examining and working on unhealthy possessiveness are:
Find the Fear. With this information, you have a great basis for either personal work or for a conversation with your partner about your fears, insecurities, or challenges. We suggest:
If you’re feeling the urge to engage in possessive behavior, get curious about what’s underneath.
It can be helpful to ask yourself, “What will this get me?”
Example: If I get my partner to post a picture of us on social media, what will that get me?
If I get my partner to come back home tonight instead of staying the night with their other partner, what will that get me?
OR, you can ask yourself, “If I let go of this behavior, what am I afraid will happen?
Example: If I stopped trying to control my partner’s time, I’m afraid that they’ll be busy with other people every night of the week, and I’ll never get quality time with them.
Examine the Foundation for Cracks. This is great work to do with a third party present, in order to open up this conversation with compassion and without accusation:
Trust is foundational to healthy relationships. Over time, that foundation can develop cracks, both small and large. And that can inspire feelings of clinging and possessiveness.
Are there incidents from the past that make it difficult to trust my partner? What needs to be healed?
Playful Possession
You might consider sprinkling in some of those public displays of possession.
Collaborate with your partner about what sort of PDPs feel good to experiment with.
It should feel playful and connective rather than obligatory.
If you or your partner are feeling resistance to this, get curious about the why underneath.
I’m afraid that if I post a picture of us together on social media, my other partner will see and feel upset.
I’m afraid that if I introduce you as my girlfriend to my friends, they are going to assume that I’ve moved on too quickly from my ex.
Possess YourSELF
If you’re on the receiving end of a partner’s possessive behavior, it’s important to have open conversation and to collaborate on healthy solutions that would help both of you feel better.
HOWEVER, you also need to have a firm sense of your own boundaries and limitations, such as:
Reserving at least one night a week that is your personal time or alone time.
Maybe deciding not to share calendars with a partner.
Being clear about what you are comfortable with posting regarding pictures on social media together and what you’re not comfortable with posting.
Know When to Leave - It’s Okay to Break Up! This applies to both people who are feeling urges to be possessive, as well as people who are feeling the brunt of a partner’s possessive behavior.
If even after discussion, you’re still feeling possessive, it may be a sign that the relationship just does not feel secure enough for you at this time.
Could be a sign that your partner is unwilling to help you feel safer.
Could be a sign that your desires are justified but your partner is accusing you of possessive behavior in order to avoid having to change their behavior.
Could be a sign that this particular type of relationship is not a good fit for you.
If even after discussion, you’re still feeling like your partner is extremely possessive, it may be a sign that something deeper is going on.
Could point to deeper trauma that hasn’t been addressed yet.
Could just be a mismatch between you and the other person about what is a healthy balance of autonomy and connection.