The science of guilt

A 1994 bulletin by Baumeister, Stillwell, and Heatherton maintained that guilt in relationships stems from two sources:

1. Empathy for suffering we’ve caused our partner.

2. Anxiety that the wrongdoing will result in rejection or destruction of the relationship.

In 1995, a year after this was published, there was a study that associated feeling guilty with higher rates of learning a lesson from the experience, changing behavior, apologizing, confessing the transgression, and recognizing how your partner's expectations and standards may differ from yours. In this sense, guilt can be a helpful emotion to feel, since it can spearhead behaviors that work towards making amends and preventing a reoccurrence of the issue in the first place.

Guilt and manipulation

The same study also posited that the closer we are to someone relationship-wise, the more likely we are to try to manipulate them by making them feel guilty about something. Additionally, the most common trigger for someone using a guilt trip as a manipulation tactic is the feeling that one’s partner isn’t spending enough time with them or giving them enough attention.

Using the guilt trip as a manipulation tactic not only isn’t a productive or healthy way to act in a relationship, but it also can lead to the generation of a feeling called “meta guilt,” even if the guilt trip is effective. The person targeted by the guilt trip often feels resentment over it, which makes the manipulator feel guilty about doing the manipulating, which leads to meta guilt.

Unhelpful guilt

1. Guilt can diminish your self esteem and degrade your boundaries, especially if guilt is triggered for the wrong reasons and making you feel unworthy.

2. It can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Feeling preemptively resentful or defensive about something, for instance, can put you in a position where your partner may pick up on your mood and reflect it, causing conflict between the two of you.

3. Guilt can get in the way of gratitude. If your partner does something nice for you, like giving you a gift for example, internalized guilt can prevent you from being able to receive it.

4. Guilt can fuel the urge to withdraw from a partner. Feeling like you can’t do anything right or that you’re a constant disappointment can make you withdraw or close off from people, which hinders communication and isn’t productive to a relationship.

Turning your frown upside down

Now that we’ve explored how guilt can be unhelpful, we’re going to talk about how to tackle guilt and prevent it from having a negative impact on your life and relationships.

1. Verify whether the guilty feeling or signal is real or not. Do things like clearly checking in with your partner, asking “Did I do something to upset you?” instead of just assuming that you did.

2. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Turn around a situation and ask yourself if your partner was in your shoes or vice versa, would you want them to constantly be feeling guilty about this action?

3. Check in with your values. Ask yourself "Do I feel bad because I've done something that goes against the type of person I want to be?"

4. Check in with your internal messaging. Ask yourself “Do I feel guilty because I think I should, because of what other people say is right, or another external value that may be conflicting with my own?"