Good hinges

A hinge partner (the partner in common in a v-style polyamorous relationship) sometimes has some unique responsibilities and struggles when it comes to the health of the relationships.

Some benefits that hinge partners receive are:

• Double emotional support (receiving).

• A lot of the usual party line benefits of polyamory.

• A sense of stability or a safety net.

• Extra birthday gifts.

On the other hand, there are also unique struggles:

• Double emotional support (giving).

• Keeping everybody else happy.

• Sacrificing self time and self care.

• Paying for double birthday gifts.

• Managing the image.

Some common pitfalls for hinges:

• Defaulting to people-please behavior.

• Over/undersharing information.

• Bad PR.

• Forcing metamour relationships to look a certain way.

• Double dipping/maximizing efficiency.

• Triangulation.

Everything is a triangle

Triangulation is often associated with Murray Bowen, who theorized that when a two-person emotional system is under stress, it forms into a three-person system or triangle. The third person can either be used as a substitute for direct communication, or possibly be used as a messenger. In a relationship like this, the two aligned people risk becoming enmeshed, which results in diffusion of boundaries and loss of autonomous development.

Another definition of triangulation is from Josephine Ferraro, and occurs when unhealthy alliances form between two people and a third. For hinges, this could look like the hinge with another partner against the third, or two partners against the hinge.

Being a good hinge

To be a good hinge partner:

• Have external sources or support that are not partners, such as a trusted friend, mentor, or professional.

• Have a good sense of time management and scheduling.

• Have good time awareness and communication.

• Follow through on plans and don’t cancel for non-emergencies.

• Have boundaries you can express and uphold.

• Do not compare partners to each other in negative ways.

• Have a sensitivity around structural imbalances across relationships.

• Share information across the relationships appropriately and ethically.

• Be aware of what belongs to you.