347 - Good Enough Sex
What’s the problem?
There are a few reasons why couples might feel like they’re not having good sex. Bad sex education, unrealistic depictions in the media, shame around sexual dysfunction…the list is endless.
In 2007, Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy came up with “The ‘Good Enough Sex’ model for couple satisfaction.” They emphasize that satisfaction with one’s sex life is grounded in realistic physical, psychological, and relationship expectations. According to them, perfect sexual performance is self-defeating, and instead, we should adopt the “Good Enough Sex” model, which also recognizes the inherent variability of the quality of sexual encounters a couple experiences. It helps frame sex as a path to intimacy, pleasure, mutual emotional acceptance, playfulness, spiritual connection, and special bonding as opposed to solely for procreation.
Twelve dimensions of Good Enough Sex
Sex is a good element in life, an invaluable part of an individual’s and couple’s long-term comfort, intimacy, pleasure and confidence.
Relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate developmental focus and are essentially intertwined.
Realistic, age-appropriate sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction.
Good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health.
Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function.
Pleasure is as important as function.
Realizing that sexual experiences will naturally vary and some will be better than others but that is totally normal and to be expected.
The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple’s sexual relationship:
Reproduction.
tension and anxiety reduction.
sensual enjoyment and pleasure.
self-esteem and confidence.
relationship closeness and satisfaction.
Integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles:
Partner interaction.
Self-entrancement.
Role enactment.
Gender differences are respectfully valued and similarities mutually accepted.
Sex is integrated into real life and real life is integrated into sex. Sexuality is developing, growing and evolving throughout life.
Sexuality is personalized. Sex can be playful, spiritual, special.
Transcript
This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.
Jase: On this episode, the Multiamory Podcast, we're not talking about good sex, we're talking about good enough sex. The good enough sex model was created in 2007 to help improve couples' sex lives by getting to the heart of what actually matters in sex, respecting individual differences, moving away from traditional gender roles, and having more realistic expectations for the ups and downs of sex. I didn't mean to.
Emily: Wow, good job.
Dedeker: We don't talk about sex that often on the show and I do feel that in this little window of opportunity, all the middle school jokes are going to come out.
Emily: We're getting all giggly here.
Jase: Yes. Prepare yourselves for that. Basically, we're going to be taking a look at this good enough sex model and see what we can learn from it. Let's start at the beginning here. Why do we need good enough sex?
Dedeker: I suppose that might be better than no sex at all. If you're a sexual person, if you're asexual on the spectrum, then you don't need to know good enough sex.
Jase: Yes. You just need good enough not sex.
Emily: Good enough relationships.
Dedeker: Good enough relationships.
Jase: I think that is the good relationships has maybe the multiamory tagline, is what we're going for in general?
Dedeker: That is funny enough that you say that because that is something that the Gottman Institute says quite a bit more specifically, I've noticed on the training side, rather than on the public facing side, because I've gone through their training for a therapist is they're all about-- we're just trying to get people to good enough relationships, which is nice.
Jase: Nice.
Dedeker: Yes, because their thing is like, we're just trying to get it so that you can sit down and have a cup of coffee together and have a good time and not be at each other's throats. I think they established that in contrast to a lot of other therapeutic models for working on relationships that are much more about, you're going to heal all your trauma in this relationship. You're going to put to rest all your childhood demons in this relationship, which I do is possible, but it's also a lot of pressure to put on some relationships and so I have appreciated that Gottman approach of we're just trying to get it to be good enough, man.
Jase: That's a great segue into exactly why the good enough sex model exists and that's that we have ridiculous expectations put on us. We're given ridiculous expectations. We're given terrible sex education for the most part.
Emily: At least in this country.
Jase: Unrealistic ideas of what sex should be and if you think about, anything out there that's marketed to people to have better sex, it's always going to be like, have the most amazing sex ever, be the best at sex.
Emily: Turn tricks experience, mind blowing.
Jase: Right. All those things because that's how you sell shit, but unfortunately, that doesn't actually lead us to have very healthy relationships with sex and hence not healthy sex with each other or healthy relationships that have sex.
Emily: Yes. Sometimes your sex doesn't need to be totally mind blowing, it just needs to be enjoyable and a place to connect to someone. It come together, I think, in a moment in time and that doesn't necessarily mean like all the fireworks have to go off at once and it has to be the most mind blowing experience of your life, but I do feel as though I've taught myself at times, if it isn't that every single time, then you're doing something wrong. I like this idea of this model, for sure.
Dedeker: Yes. I think that sometimes that competes with what I've seen with, let's say later waves of feminism that are also wrapped up in the sex positivity movement is, I did think we come from a long history of women not enjoying the privilege of good sex or even good enough sex. A long history of women's pleasure really not being prioritized, especially in straight sex and what that does lead to though is, I think, that there's a lot of pressure on women then to be like, well, the sex has to be really good then.
Jase: To make up for that, yes.
Dedeker: You have to have six orgasms. You have to just have your mind totally blown or even sex with yourself has to be incredibly, incredibly good and really mind-blowing and earth-shattering and amazing. It's a little bit of that pendulum swing the other way, I suppose.
Emily: Probably on guys too, it's also challenging because they may feel like, "Oh gosh, if I don't come or if I can't get it up or something, then I'm a terrible person". Yes.
Dedeker: If I don't give my female partner six orgasms, I'm a terrible person and it has to be six. It can't just be one. It has to be multiple, just all over the place. Another part of this is also thinking about pornography. We looked at this 2018 study called personal pornography viewing and sexual satisfaction, a quadratic analysis. It started out sexy, less sexy by the end of that title.
Jase: They had to clarify, this has math in it. Don't worry.
Dedeker: Don't worry. You can put your boners away right now.
Emily: Quadratic made me think of aquatic. For some reason, I was like, now we're having sex under water, not the same thing that would have been cool, maybe.
Dedeker: This study looked at a sample of 1,500 young adults to develop an understanding of how pornography use is correlated with sexual satisfaction and overall they found that more frequent porn viewing was associated with lower sexual satisfaction and here's a direct quote, "notably under no circumstances was pornography use associated with greater sexual satisfaction".
These findings while correlational suggests that even infrequent use of pornography has negative effects on sexual satisfaction. Now, again I do appreciate that they clarify that this is correlative, it's not necessarily causative. It doesn't mean if you watch porn that 100% means it's going to have a negative effect on your sex life, but they do find a correlation there.
I also feel the need to get out in front, right away that I don't think anyone on the show is anti porn necessarily or anti porn performers or things like that. I think there's definitely wonderful ways to ethically consume pornography and it can fit into a really wonderful role in your sex life with yourself or your sex life with a partner or multiple partners, but I think this is interesting. We're talking about the fact that there are so many influences that set us up to think that sex should be this particular way and porn is one of those, especially mainstream porn.
Jase: I think it's worth noting that that study was specifically 1,500 young adults. I think that that when it's like, this is my sexual education because for a lot of us, that's where we got it because no one else was given it to us.
Dedeker: Yes.
Jase: I think that is also significant, and it's like I could absolutely see that. If that's the impression you have of what this should be, I'm going to be a lot less satisfied with how it is because I'm not going to be doing the right stuff, I'm going to think everyone else isn't doing the right stuff, that makes sense.
Emily: As a young person, I think about the porn that I consumed was very, very slow, like a dial up porn. It took like forever to load a page or whatever, but now obviously, it's so different and kids these days have it at their fingertips at any moment and the lighting and everything, it's just all available to you. I think about the difference between the way that we grew up versus kids now and how this may be even more apparent with young people today. I don't know.
Dedeker: It will be interesting though, if and when they ever circle back to this study to think about now what we're seeing these days is I think it's a little process where porn is becoming more and more. I don't know what the term is, maybe decentralized perhaps. This idea that it's no longer these studios that are producing this very mainstream content and we're going to particular places to get it. It's not like my only place to go is to pick up a Playboy, now we're getting many more content creators.
People who themselves want to be porn performers or want to put that content out who are creating that more content that speaks to very particular kinks or particular fetishes, there's the explosion of Omi fans and that's not to say that because more "amateur" or independent creators are creating it. That means that they're completely not influencing the way people expect sex to be or that they don't uphold maybe some of our more unhelpful assumptions about what sex should be. I am just curious to know how that's going to affect the next generation of young adults who may be where their porn consumption was less mainstream because there's just more options.
Emily: It's a really good point. Well, another 2018 study Consuming Ecstasy: Representation of Male and Female Orgasm in Mainstream Pornography, looked at depictions of orgasms in the top 50 porn videos on Pornhub. I guess those are the only videos that are on Pornhub porn videos. Only 18%-- I find this so fascinating and I have found this to be the case, absolutely, only 18% of the women were depicted having orgasms compared to 78% of the men.
The female orgasms that did happen were almost entirely from vaginal or anal intercourse, which does not line up with the most common ways that women have orgasms in real life. I don't know, toys, vibrators, personal fingers, stuff like that.
Dedeker: Personal, not public fingers.
Emily: Oral.
Dedeker: Sometimes public fingers
Emily: Personally fingering-- exactly. Basically, from both of these studies and from what we're talking about, porn doesn't necessarily set us up for success as sexual beings very well.
Dedeker: I think I also read someone's opinion piece about how, again, the danger of mainstream pornography being, someone's only sex education, specifically, if we're talking about young, straight men who are watching porn of women in a lot of videos people are actors, right? Not all the time but sometimes is someone's job. It's someone's job to do this. That means that you're seeding people-- basically the articles making the case, that you're training a generation of young men to be looking for the wrong cues in women sexually like they're seeing a lot of women who maybe don't have the micro expressions that a woman in real life would have when something's painful or pleasurable or whatever.
That you're training people to only see sex as a performance when it's two people who are performing and maybe it feels good, maybe it doesn't feel good but either way, they're still doing it. It's maybe perhaps dulling our ability to pick up on those cues from a partner along with a bunch of other things. I don't know how accurate that feels. Maybe some people would disagree with that but I do think it is interesting.
Jase: Certainly. Now, enter good enough sex. The good enough sex model for a couple's satisfaction was the name of the original paper that they published about this in sexual and relationship therapy in 2007. This is by doctors, Michael Metz and Barry McCarthy, and they defined well. First of all, they talked about how sexual dysfunction is incredibly common, incredibly common.
They cite a 1999 study that said 45% of couples at a given time suffer a male, female or couple sex problem. They were studying at this point, only cisgender, heterosexual couples but just that sexual dysfunction is very common. They said sexual dysfunction, rather than being just a physical problem as some people think or just a mental problem as some people might think, that it's multi-causal and multi-dimensional that there's a lot of different aspects that go into this and in their paper, they emphasize that the satisfaction with one's sex life is grounded in realistic, physical, psychological and relationship expectations. Realistic expectations in all of those areas.
The idea that perfect sexual performance is self-defeating because it's just not possible.
Emily: What does that even mean? What is perfection?
Jase: Well, that's what you were talking about, Em, right? It's that idea of I'm able to get hard and stay hard whenever it's appropriate or like whenever I think that should be what I'm able to do. For women it's like always being however wet or being able to have the orgasm however quickly or whatever. We put all sorts of pressure on ourselves for like what sexual performance is and like Dedeker was talking about, to performance. There's a lot of what we're learning is from porn, is a performance, right?
There's editing and cuts and takes and it's all fake. Essentially, it's a performance. Maybe there's some reality to some of it but it's still that. When we put that on ourselves, it's self-defeating so instead, if we can adopt this idea of good enough sex that recognizes that it's inherently variable, the quality of your sexual encounters as a couple, this is going to vary from encounter to encounter over time.
Dedeker: You're saying that instead of expecting our sex to be like a Starbucks, where if I walk into a Starbucks in New York or if I walk into a Starbucks in Oroville, California, where I grew up, I'm going to get the same menu, probably the same quality and I can expect the same experience. That's more like my sex is walking into a different little boutique farm to table restaurant in every single different city. That's how I think about my sex. Maybe other people, it's more of like I roll up to a local--
Emily: It's very boujee, Dedeker. You're getting a very boujee experience in your sex.
Dedeker: I am and it's pretty boujee maybe sometimes but maybe sometimes I want to go into the Pink's hot dogs of sex, I don't know.
Emily: There you go.
Jase: I think this has gotten away from me a little.
Emily: That's all right. That was a euphemistic example but yes, it was good.
Dedeker: Okay, maybe like going to a restaurant instead of going to a chain, yes? Going to a local restaurant in any locations that have a chain. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's terrible, sometimes it's great for different reasons, sometimes it's terrible for different reasons. I'm going to walk away.
Emily: I love it. Beautiful.
Jase: Yes. Basically the model that frames sex as a path to intimacy, pleasure, mutual-emotional acceptance, playfulness, spiritual connection, special bonding, and that it's not just an isolated fragment of your life. It's not like sex is over here and the rest of our relationship and our lives is over here but rather all of it's incorporated together that your sex life affects your day-to-day life and is related to it and is a part of it. Likewise, what's going on in your life affects your sex life and all of that intertwined for each of you and for you together.
Dedeker: Why does that feels so-- Without overselling it, there's something about that sentiment that feels like revolutionary to say maybe there's something about growing up in a very sex-negative culture where we do want to siphon off and hermetically seal away sex.
Emily: You grew up clearly in religious communities or a religious lifestyle in your home and I think that there's probably a lot of baggage there with that but also even when we started polyamorous journeys, people were like, oh, well, don't talk about it because that's what happens in the bedroom. It's again, that sex-negative idea that this is something that you do over here and not that it's incorporated into your life.
Again, it's just a facet of a relationship but it is an important integral part of many people's relationship. If I'm having a shitty time at work for a long period of time, then that's absolutely going to make me feel less inclined to maybe have sex with you at that particular moment or for a particular period of time. That should be acknowledged. I think that should be okay.
Dedeker: Going in the opposite direction, how much potential there is for a bad sex or about sexual connection or good sex or a good sexual connection to bleed over into the rest of your daily life and maybe make things better or worse, feel more depressed, feel more joyful, all those things.
Emily: That's a good point.
Jase: I think also just the idea that the sex part of your relationship isn't just something you turn on at one point and then turn it off for the rest of your life. Which again, I think leads to that whole thing of just not feeling it because it's like you're trying to do this hard shift into just zero to 60, all of a sudden, rather than this is a part and an aspect of our relationship all the time. It is revolutionary to think about. It might have to process that as we're going through the dimensions of good enough sex.
Dedeker: As we said, the original paper, it was mostly focused on heterosexual, cisgender couples but one of the authors, Barry McCarthy has addressed this in an interview in 2018. I'm going to quote from that interview. "There's an interesting thing about being in the sex field in that you're often addressing two very different audiences. I think that's the challenge of modern sex therapy in 2018. It is how you talk to the traditional people. People who value traditional marriages, traditional monogamy and try to keep sex healthy and alive within that framework.
At the same time, you want to respect diversity, how you honor people who are not traditional, how you honor not just sexual orientation or gender but others who choose consensual non-monogamy or people who value sexual friendships rather than life commitments. It isn't up to me the way I describe it. It isn't the right or wrong approach. It is, what is the right fit for that person and their relationship?"
I'll give some points to Barry McCarthy for that one, at least he could advise that. He is trying. Good job.
Emily: Alrighty, let's do it. We have teased it long enough. Let us get into the 12 dimensions of good enough sex and see if they can improve all of our sex lives.
Dedeker: McCarthy and Metz essentially created those to be a model for a therapist to use when working with couples who are struggling with sexual dysfunction, basically in a way that wasn't medicalized, so we're not looking at the dysfunction and just prescribing a pill, just treating it like it's an illness or a medical problem, but we're looking at these much more cognitive-behavioral factors that can be influenced to help alleviate the sexual dysfunction.
Emily: I love that. This is a really nice framework and pivot away from this idea that sex is this other thing that we don't talk about and that we don't acknowledge as a part of our life. So many people do that. So many of us grow up with our parents not wanting to talk about sex or talking about it in this really stilted unfortunate manner and then having a lot of shame and baggage around it. I think that to move away from that is a really lovely idea and these ideas that we have of sex positivity, of taking away stigma, of taking away baggage, embracing diversity of sexual expression, things like that are something that we can really move towards, especially with this first pillar.
Sexologist Sarah Melancon, PhD with The Sex Toy Collective said, "Historically, it was common for sex to be viewed from a moralistic based in sin or medicalized based in sickness or disease framework. Through these lenses, otherwise natural and healthy sexual desires and behaviors are something to be repressed, controlled or cured." I think even if our lives didn't consist of hearing those words exactly as we were growing up, I think many of us still internalize that idea because sex again is seen as either something medical, something you don't talk about, something that happens between a married couple only things like that. To have desire is not okay.
Jase: Or if you want something that you don't think is normal, that something must be wrong with me or this is sinful. It's all that baggage that comes with it. That gets in the way of communicating honestly and clearly.
Emily: Totally. I love this overarching initial framework of saying it's normal, it's invaluable. It happens as an individual and as a couple and it's a good thing so be happy about it, be excited about it.
Jase: The second dimension of good enough sex is relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate developmental focus and are essentially intertwined. Basically, this is what we were talking about before about not separating relationship from sex, that those aren't two individual aspects that it's all intertwined with your life. Something that they talk about in this one is the idea that the couple is an "intimate team". I still love that. It makes me imagine a lot of high fives going on.
Emily: I don't know if I've ever high fived during sex, but I like the idea of.
Jase: I have. We don't have to go into that.
Emily: Amazing.
Jase: This is getting into that idea that sex is something you're doing together. I think that's what they're getting out with the teamwork. That sex is something you're doing together rather than I'm performing sex and you're performing sex and we're both performing it for each other or I'm focused internally on I've got to get it just right. I've got to be so good, so sexy, but instead, we're a team. We have this shared goal of intimacy and pleasure together.
Dedeker: It reminds me of one of my favorite little comics that I've seen floating around the internet. There's this couple in bed and one of them says to other, "Do you think we should try experimenting in the bedroom?" Then in the next panels they're with some beakers and some Bunsen burners and taking measurements and stuff like that, and they feed it into a computer and the printout is like, "Oh, the results are sexy."
It's a silly wordplay but what I really like about the comic is the teamwork. Like, "Oh, we're a team of scientists now trying to get to the bottom of what's going to be sexy. What can we play with, what's going to feel good." I do think there's a lot of messaging in our culture that's not about sex that happens between us but it is that sexual performance of each individual person.
Emily: I've definitely been in moments in my life in sexual moments where it feels like very, not intimate and it feels like you're miles away from the other person. Even though you're in this super intimate act of bodies entwined and yet you're emotionally not with each other at all.
Jase: I like that idea too, that Dedeker mentioned of experimenting. It's like this is something we're exploring together rather than it's something I need to know how to do well enough to do it to you good. That's a very different way of thinking. I know it sounds silly when I say it that way but that's very much, at least how I grew up thinking about sex. When I look back on it, it's like, oh, yes, it was more of this I'm doing a thing to someone or they're doing something to me rather than we are doing something together.
The third dimension here is realistic, age-appropriate sexual expectations are essential to sexual satisfaction. This, I think, goes back to some of the stuff we talked about with porn giving us unrealistic expectations or not even porn, but just the way movies portray sexy guys or sexy women and the way they approach sex. Again, in this performative way where they never have a problem, it's always great. If we ever see someone who has a problem performing in sex, that's a sign that something's wrong with their relationship. If you think about TV shows or movies you watch, that's the trope. It's like, oh, clearly that relationship has a problem or something.
The authors are very critical of the way that the media exaggerates that sexual reality for the purposes of marketing and for selling it. Even people who sell books on sexuality is like, "have the best sex ever". That's just not realistic.
Instead, recognizing stuff like having sexual problems are common and that that's just a normal part of life, that there might just be times where it's just not going to work either physically, mentally, it's a combination of those or not able to have orgasm or that you might enjoy it more at some times than others and that that's normal. I think keeps us from this gloom and doom scenario that I've definitely been in and spiraling in the sense of, oh, god, something's wrong with me. Maybe the relationship is wrong. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Because I didn't know it was just normal.
Dedeker: It makes me think a few months ago, I don't know what I was feeding the algorithm to get served up these ads, but I started getting advertisements for, I forget the name of it and that's okay because I'm not going to give them a free plug on the show or whatever but whatever is the latest drug marketed to women for dealing with low libido. I was getting that marketed to me combined with also some ads regarding herbal supplements you can take and it was a lot of these, usually middle-aged women using the ads that were saying things like, oh, it feels like when we just started dating for the first time, and it always made me really deeply uncomfortable.
I guess there's a certain part of me that's like, I don't know if it's realistic to feel exactly the same way that you felt sexually when you started dating someone especially if that happened when you started dating in your early 20s and it was the beginning of the relationship and you were full of NRE and now 20, 25 years later for the sex to feel exactly that same way. That doesn't mean that you can't seek to want to improve your sex life. I'm all about that being critical of your sex life and your sexual approach and how it feels and wanting to have more pleasure. That's great.
On top of it. I was like, honestly, I think you can get that if you start dating someone new. There's also that and I think it's completely overlooked in a lot of these discussions is they find that women, if anything in research studies crave novelty and variety more than men do, even though we've been socialized to think it's the opposite. I do think there's a lot of women out there who think there's some problem with them because they can't sexually respond in the same way that a person they've been with for 20 years monogamously. Where maybe they probably would if they were someone new.
Emily: Jase and I talked about this recently, but the idea of getting back to how things once were or returning to the idea of a relationship as it once was, is not really practical or real because we all move in our relationships and evolve and change. Who we were 10 years ago is definitely not the same as we are now. I don't know, that's unfortunate and understandable that a lot of these ads out there are saying, "Oh, get back to the way things once were. Have as good of sex as you did when you were in your 20s or whatever." It's just not particularly realistic and I don't think it should be the goal of couples because you're going to change and that's totally fine.
Dedeker: Now moving on to number four. The fourth dimension, fourth dimension is you can really do some kinky stuff when you're playing around with temporal dimensions and wormholes.
Emily: Flying through the air.
Dedeker: Done. Move on to number five. I'm just kidding. Number four, good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Individuals value theirs and their partner's, sexual body. They didn't put this caveat on there, but I'm going to go ahead and put the caveat on there that it's good physical health for your body. You know your body best. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all. The article cites cardio and weightlifting and things like that, but that's not always accessible to people or enjoyable to people. Just things that help take care of your body and your body function in the way that you know is best.
Some of that also includes getting access to physical relaxation. It doesn't necessarily mean that for sex, we need to be just a limp puddle. Sometimes I've seen that advice, especially given to women. Oh, you just need to relax. You just need to relax, just relax, relax, and it'll happen. Relax and the orgasm will happen and like no, that's not always the case but having access to a certain amount of relaxation and not completely being tense and not completely having your walls up is foundational for pleasure and sexual function as well. Part of this is body positivity as well in being loving or at least kind, if not loving, to your own body in addition to your lover's body as well.
Jase: We're going to continue on with the rest of the dimensions of good enough sex but first, we're going to take a quick break to talk about some ways that you can support this show. If this is something that you're valuing, if this is information that you want to allow us to keep making and getting out there to the world to everyone for free, take a moment to check out our sponsors and that really goes a long way to support our show.
Emily: Now we have arrived at the fifth dimension.
Dedeker: Wow, really, just up leveling.
Emily: I love it. Okay. This one is, oh, it's another relaxation one. Relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function. We just said that, yes, being a puddle is not necessarily the thing, but it can help. Relaxing is probably a better state to be in than a big old tense, scared state in terms of sex. I think baggage and overall just having a bit of sex negativity in general can probably cause you to not feel very relaxed about the situation.
This is a quote from the paper. "It is counterproductive, for example, for a man to pressure himself to achieve perfect sexual performance. In fact, it's important to not work too hard sexually because to facilitate function, one does well to relax both mind and body amidst the sexual pleasuring, I low how that was said. Striving for perfection undermines physiological and psychological relaxation, producing performance pressure and anxiety.
There you go. Yes. I think if you put that on yourself and I've got to say, I've been in many first date scenarios or not necessarily first date, but scenarios where you're about to have sex with someone for the first time and it doesn't happen. The guy doesn't get it up. I definitely as a young person, found that to be really stressful for both parties involved for me and for the dude because yes, it was like, Oh, fuck. I'm fucking up. They don't like me and the guy was probably shit, I screwed up here. Yes, exactly. It's a lot of pressure.
Jase: The same thing happens on the other side of it too. If a guy is really focused on not coming too soon he's more likely to do that. That it's that like, you're putting pressure on that and so your mind is on it. You're not enjoying the rest of your sensation, which ironically can-- just like sexual dysfunction in any direction is exacerbated by putting this pressure on yourself.
Unfortunately, I think a lot of us on either side of it put a lot of pressure on, Oh, I'm going to get upset because maybe it's about me because you couldn't do something sexually and then maybe they feel bad or one person tries to be cool with the other. It's like both of you have to be cool, be relaxed. I think that's why, again, to go back to the teamwork thing, I think that applies here. It's like you both have to come in with this knowledge to best take advantage of it, I think.
Emily: Yes. I dated someone for quite a while, for six months and we never were able to have sex. It just never happened. We tried and I think there was so much built-up over not being able to do it over and over and over again that it just never happened. It was unfortunate, but it was what it was.
Dedeker: To speak to, I think, a point that falls into this dimension is, they mention goal-oriented sex, right? I think that covers a pretty wide range because it could be the goal of, I need to maintain an erection. It could be a goal of, I need to have a particular type of orgasm at a particular time, or you particularly having penetrative sex itself can be the goal-
Emily: Sure, maybe that shouldn't have been the goal.
Dedeker: When of course there's so many other types of way to sexually connect out there. The PIV is the real sex and so that's something that counts.
Emily: Yes, exactly. That's the issue, yes. I think unfortunately, we didn't explore any of those other types either, which was really too bad and perhaps the relationship could have lasted longer, but it is what it is.
Jase: All right. Dimension six, pleasure is as important as function. This one is interesting. They brought up a study from 2006 about couples trying to get pregnant by having sex at specific times, according to the menstrual cycles of the woman.
Emily: I have had friends do this, oh boy.
Jase: Right. They found that couples trying to do that have higher incidences of erectile dysfunction because the focus is shifting from pleasure and enjoying time together to a result. It's like they're firmly focused on the function and that it actually makes it really hard to even do the function. It's what we were just talking about, but even really clearly spelled out.
Emily: It's interesting because I think a lot of people are taught that sex has a function only as in you're having sex to procreate and that's what it is, and that's heterosexual sex, that's the reason behind it. If you're not doing that, then I don't know, then that kind of sex is not okay or whatever. I think that's more maybe what our grandparents thought, but yes.
Jase: Some of that baggage is still around probably.
Emily: Exactly, yes. It really honestly, the vast majority of sex that we're having is probably not going to be for procreation, even if you are in a cis couple.
Dedeker: Yes, and we have a quote here from Shan Boodram, who is an intimacy educator and they point out the fact that, of course, the majority of sex today isn't about procreation and particularly orgasm numbers for women skyrocket in same-sex partnerships compared to heterosexual partnerships because when you're in a same-sex partnership, there's nothing to prove necessarily as far as being able to procreate, it's about what feels good.
That's not to say that queer relationships don't have any sexual dysfunction whatsoever, but it does show that when we remove some of that possibility that it can shift things. I think that sometimes, unfortunately now orgasming had started to fall under the heading of function, sometimes.
Emily: That's a good point.
Jase: Yes. That's a goal-oriented, yes.
Dedeker: Again, the goal-oriented where it isn't really about pleasure because what's pleasurable to you may not at all get you to orgasm, but still it could be really good. What's pleasurable to you could not even involve your genitals, but still could be really, really good. I do appreciate that. Within the sex positive movement, I see a lot of educators moving more towards this very pleasure-focused approach to sex rather than a goal-focused approach to sex.
I think it's hard to undo some of that when we've been following those same scripts for so long and it's hard to undo letting ourselves feel pleasure or ask for pleasure, even if it doesn't look in very traditional ways, but that's maybe a whole other episode for another time. Moving on to the seventh dimension. My mind is just blown by all these dimensions.
Emily: So many dimensions, wow.
Dedeker: Yes, seventh dimension of good enough sex, realizing that sexual experiences will naturally vary and some will be better than others but that is totally normal and to expected. Specifically, there's some research study as well as clinical experience that indicates that sexually satisfied couples that have "regular sex", one to two times per week that they rate sexual experience as very good, only about 20% to 25% of the time they rate it as good, about 40% to 60% of the time fair but unremarkable, 15% to 20% of the time and dissatisfying or dysfunctional 5% to 15% of the time. The majority is good enough.
Jase: Yes, but I think it's important to note that even in these couples that are satisfied, it’s the whole range too. It wasn't zero to something percent of the time for the dissatisfying or dysfunctional. Its like, no 5%. It's the minimum on the scale here. It's like, it's going to happen.
Emily: Yes. I think that's completely understandable and AOK. Now time for the eighth dimension. This is a list. The five purposes for sex are integrated into the couple's sexual relationship and the five purposes are reproduction, that's potentially one, but not necessarily, tension and anxiety reduction, sensual enjoyment and pleasure, self-esteem and confidence, and then relationship closeness and satisfaction. These goals fluctuate in importance over time and may differ across partners.
Jase: Something I thought was really cool actually in the paper when they were talking about this was, again, the idea that your sex life and the rest of your life are all intertwined with each other. They're mentioning that as a couple, there could be times where say your life is really stressful for some reason. It's like, yes, we're going to do sex mostly focused on just getting that tension out.
It's like just anxiety reduction. That's the purpose it's serving. Whereas other times it might be we're going to really focus on being sensual and enjoying each other. Those are both totally valid ways to go about it. Sometimes it is like we want to show each other that we think we're sexy. These are all okay, and that all of this can be intertwined, and it'll vary. Sometimes you might want one purpose over another.
Emily: Yes.
Dedeker: With couples that I work with, I'm not a sex therapist and I don't focus on sexual issues specifically, but when people bring that to me, that is often one of the first questions that I invite people to ask themselves in a moment when they want to reach out to their partner for sex is looking at what's actually going on inside me? What am I seeking right now? Because it could be different if I'm feeling a moment of I feel insecure and not sexy and I like the idea of my partner finding me sexy, or I'm feeling really stressed out and I just want something to take my mind off of it for a little while.
Sometimes sprinkling in that little bit of meta-communication can either help, again, if you and your partner are being a sexy team about this, can help you make decisions about the kind of sex that you have, or if one of you doesn't want sex, you can still be pursuing that goal. You can still be thinking about, okay, well, I don't necessarily feel like having sex or feel like having this particular kind of sex, but what can we do to help you feel sexy or feel like I'm attracted to you in this moment or feel like I'm close to you in this moment? Having that curiosity to get down to your purpose in seeking a sexual connection in that moment can be very valuable.
Emily: It's lovely.
Jase: The ninth dimension is to integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles.
Emily: Oh my.
Jase: Yet another list within a list. Here's the three sexual arousal styles that they identified. According to them, this is what they identified. The first category is what they call partner interaction, which they clarify as this is what we see mostly on TV, which is that each partner's arousal plays off of the other. Like, oh, I'm seeing how sexy you are and that's what's making me aroused. That's number one.
The second of the arousal styles is self and transmit, which is where your arousal focuses on your own body as the source of pleasure and central arousal. Focusing on what you're feeling, things like that.
Then the third one is role enactment, which is arousal that focuses on fantasy, on role-play, variety, experimentation. I think it's interesting the way they broke these down into these three here. What do you think about that?
Dedeker: I would argue there's different ways that people think about arousal styles. For instance, people talk about spontaneous desire versus responsive desire. As in my sexual arousal shows up all of a sudden one day and I'm just like, ooh, I'm horny and I want to do something about it, versus having a more responsive sense of desire, which is it takes me a little while to warm up, maybe with simulation, maybe with relaxing, maybe with getting close to my partner. There's also the erotic blueprint, which is very popular.
I'm taking this, I don't want to attach too tightly to their predefined three sexual arousal styles. I feel like the spirit of this is just integrate and flexibly use your different arousal styles that are present in the relationship.
Jase: Yes, that's the point.
Dedeker: First of all, get curious about what they are for each other. Then think about ways that we can really maximize our strengths as far as how we get aroused.
Jase: I think also maybe realizing I'm just mostly been focused on this one. Maybe I should see what it's like to experience these other ones. I think that's what they're getting at there.
Emily: Yes, I like the integration of this role enactment, because it seems like, okay, this is what we do together, this is what we do separately because we're probably going to be masturbating and having sexual experiences outside of just the ones that we have together. Then also this idea of being other people or having role play. I like that idea. It's like, okay, we're taking a break from our own selves and creating something together that's unique and fun as separate individuals. Obviously, people have many different types of role play or many different types of sexual arousal excitement styles, but it's an interesting way that they chose to break this down.
Dedeker: The 10th dimension, gender differences are respectfully valued and similarities mutually accepted. This is so fascinating. I think it's fairly apparent to know that all of us as sexual beings have been socialized in particular ways to perform in particular ways during sex. Especially for a lot of women, there's a lot of emphasis on you are the thing being consumed, therefore you need to be attractive, you need to be desirable. It's not really about you desiring someone else or wanting someone else.
You are the thing that's being taken in and consumed. Men might be socialized to treat women like the gatekeepers of sex, be the consumer, be the objectifier to a certain extent. I don't say those things with necessarily any moral judgment attached to it, this is just what our culture has ingrained in us, unfortunately. It's important to not only accept that that conditioning is there. This can be in a straight relationship or not in a straight relationship. I think it doesn't matter.
We all carry some baggage and some conditioning about how we think that we're supposed to be showing up during sex and respecting that while also allowing ourselves to step outside of that as well. I know for me when I finally started realizing the ways that I'd been conditioned as a woman growing up in this particular culture to seek being desired, being complimented, being taken in, and not really focusing on what do I want to consume, what do I want from my partner, how do I want to take pleasure in my partner's body?
Both allowed me to see the areas in myself where actually the way I've been conditioned works for me and does make me feel aroused, and I really like it. Also, be able to break against that and do other things and give myself permission to not act in those ways. I think there's something really special about that in my experience of getting the best of both worlds, honestly. That it's not about completely trashing the ways that I've been socialized to get aroused, but also being able to incorporate that into much more of a pastiche. My sexual pastiche.
Jase: Yes, variety. It's great. I love that. On this one, the authors also mentioned that specifically as you're aging too, that will also change it. That you might have a different relationship to the sexual roles as you get older too. Just again, being aware of it, being able to step outside of it while also respecting what's going on I think is really important.
Emily: The 11th dimension, sex is integrated into real life and real life is integrated into sex. Sexuality is developing, growing and evolving throughout life. We talked about this a little bit before, but especially talking about age and if we're with someone for a long period of time, your sex is going to change a ton over the period of your relationship and over the period of your life. That's totally fine. Also, your life circumstances are going to change. Maybe there are going to be moments of incredible stress in your life. Even like going through this pandemic right now, thinking about how many of us are living with someone and we don't really get to not be around them as often as perhaps we would have.
Dedeker: Get that distance.
Emily: Exactly. Perhaps sex is less important during that time simply because you're like, well, I see you all the time, I'm not interested right now, or perhaps that's a great way for you to connect and to feel intimacy when you're not getting it as much. I don't know, there's a lot of points in a person's life that sex is going to change and evolve and ebb and flow, and that's totally fine.
This is a quote from the Mayo Clinic on sexual satisfaction and aging. "Many couples want to know how to get back to the sexual arousal and activity levels that they experienced in their twenties, thirties, and early forties. Instead, find ways to optimize your body's response to sexual experiences now. Ask yourself what's satisfying and mutually acceptable." That's lovely. Mutually acceptable.
Jase: That's a funny image of that. What kind of sex would you like to have today? Well, I was thinking of it like this. Oh, that would be mutually acceptable to me.
Dedeker: Mutually acceptable, perhaps even beneficial.
Jase: Yes.
Emily: Yes.
Dedeker: Good luck in the coming business year.
Jase: That's good.
Emily: Dedeker.
Jase: Yes, we should incorporate that into our sex lives more. Good luck in the coming business year.
Emily: Oh, my gosh.
Dedeker: Hey man, daily life is part of sex and sex is part of daily life.
Jase: Yes, there you go.
Emily: There you go.
Dedeker: I think it's a sign, Jase.
Emily: Beautiful.
Jase: All right, then the final dimension.
Dedeker: We made it.
Jase: The twelfth dimension here and that's that sexuality is personalized. It can be playful, spiritual and special. The quote from the paper they said that "Idiosyncratic nature of couple's playfulness during sexual interaction such as affirming, teasing or nicknames for sexual body parts adds uniqueness to the couple's sexual experiences and personalizes the bedroom and makes it special." I feel like the examples are a little bit silly, but that's the point. It's about embracing the playfulness and silliness that makes your relationship unique, your sexual play and relationship unique. I love that.
Emily: Lovely.
Jase: The fact that Dedeker and I always say, "Good luck in the coming business year." That's- very unique.
Dedeker: We always say that.
Emily: At every sexual act?
Dedeker: At the end of every sexual encounter, yes.
Emily: Wow.
Jase: Yes. Sometimes at the beginning too.
Emily: I don't understand it, but I don't have to because it's your unique sexual experience.
Dedeker: It is funny because I do think Jase and I try to make a lot of effort to distinguish our co-worker and business co-owner relationship from our personal romantic relationship.
Emily: Yes.
Dedeker: We try to do that, but maybe we've been going about it all wrong. Maybe we need to-
Jase: Yes, we go the other direction.
Dedeker: -to just muddle it all together and bring some of that energy.
Jase: Yes, frame everything is like a business proposal.
Emily: Wow.
I don't know. There's something nice about separation of work and life. Y'all do y'all. All right, should we do a little recap of all of this real quick?
Dedeker: Yes. Let's just go through all of those 12 dimensions for people to get those takeaways.
Emily: All right. The first one, sex is a good element in life and invaluable part of an individual's and couple's long-term comfort, intimacy, pleasure and confidence. Two, relationship and sexual satisfaction are the ultimate developmental focus and are essentially intertwined. The couple is an intimate team. Yay. Three, realistic age-appropriate sexual expectations are essential for sexual satisfaction. Four, good physical health and healthy behavioral habits are vital for sexual health. Five, relaxation is the foundation for pleasure and function. Six, pleasure is as important as function. Oh, I see this built off of one another.
Seven, realizing that sexual experiences will naturally vary and some will be better than others, but that is totally normal and to be expected. Eight, the five purposes for sex are integrate and flexibly use the three sexual arousal styles. Again, go back and listen. Ten, gender differences are respectfully valued and similarities mutually accepted. Eleven, sex is integrated into real life and real life is integrated into sex. Sexuality is developing, growing, and evolving throughout life. Finally, 12, sexuality is personalized. Sex can be playful, spiritual, special.
Jase: Wow. Lovely.
Dedeker: Yes, I hope everybody goes out there and has good enough sex.
Jase: Yes.
Emily: Yes. It just has to be good enough.
Jase: Just have those more reasonable expectations. I wish someone had told me that years ago. I think it could have saved me a lot of heartache.
Emily: Yes, all of us.
Jase: We're going to be going and recording a bonus episode where we're going to talk about what we even define as sex can impact our pleasure. We'll look at some studies about that as well as just chatting more about this whole topic here. On our Instagram, we're going to be posting our weekly question. This week is, how do you reduce performance pressure on yourself during sex? I think that's a really important thing. I'm curious to hear what kinds of ways people have come up with. Also, if you want to discuss this episode further, the best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is on this episode's discussion thread in our private Facebook group or our Discord chat.