Needs, desires, boundaries, etc. revisited

When we discuss what we do and do not want in a relationship or in life, we use a lot of different terms. The ones we’re discussing here are: Needs, Wants, Desires, Expectations, Standards, Boundaries, Rules, and Agreements. 

These fit into some groupings for us to discuss but there is a lot of overlap and interplay between them.

Needs versus wants or desires

Needs

• Fundamental needs, similar to boundaries, such as being physically safe, need to eat, breathe, sleep.

• Many “needs” are not “needs” but wants.

• By calling a want a “need,” we easily fall into manipulation/ultimatums OR we are not giving our partner a chance to meet our desires.

• Focuses on bare minimum.

Wants/Desires

• Owning your desires and believing you deserve them.

• A good partnership is more than just meeting needs.

• By owning our desires and giving our partner the chance to meet them, we give them more ways to show love and we get to appreciate it more.

• If they don’t want to accommodate our wants, that doesn’t mean they are a bad person, but it might mean this isn’t a good relationship for us.

Boundaries versus expectations or standards

Boundaries

• Often used in place of wants or needs.

• Can stop a conversation or imply rigidity.

• Should be a last line of defense or as a red-flag signal.

• If boundaries are a common thing being violated, that is not a healthy relationship and you should leave. 

Expectations/Standards

• Certain standards of behavior that you expect from any partner (and yourself).

• Someone not meeting this doesn’t mean they are bad or hurtful but just that they don’t meet your expectations.

• Someone failing to meet an expectation could end up being ok and you can adjust your expectations, but it is also fine if that means this isn’t a relationship you want to put energy into. Example: My partner rarely asks how my day went and just talks about their own. This isn’t a boundary violation for me but it still sucks and doesn’t fit my expectations for how an intimate partner or friend behaves.

Rules versus agreements

Rules

• Can be a self-rule but more often are limiting others.

• A rule is focused on limiting behavior or requiring a behavior. 

• Often very rigid (or super wordy to include exceptions).

• Generally need to have consequences (and sadly end up hurting both people much of the time).

• Increase desire to do the restricted thing or feels stifling.

Agreements

• Two people establishing mutual expectations for behavior.

• Leaves some flexibility (at least that would be ideal).

• Focus on the positive behaviors desired rather than limiting behaviors.

• Focus on the result of following the agreement, rather than on consequences for failing.

To review

Our word choices can have subtle or significant effects on our thinking. They can affect how our requests are received by our partners and friends, and stronger wording is not always better. Focusing on word choice is not a magic cure, but a starting place to change your communication habits and thinking.