387 - How to Gain Self-Worth and Stop Comparing Part 1
What’s self-worth?
“A feeling that you are a good person who deserves to be treated with respect.”
-Merriam-Webster
Self-worth, which is sometimes used interchangeably with self-esteem, self-confidence, or self-value, is something that most of us struggle with at least from time to time if not more often. Some are open about their struggles with having a good sense of self-worth, and others have a difficult time expressing it, but studies show that by and large, many people have problems with self-worth.
According to Positive Psychology, the top 5 factors most people use to measure their self-worth and compare it to others’ are:
Appearance.
Net worth.
Social circle.
Career.
Achievements.
Self-worth and relationships
To understand how self-worth can affect relationships, sometimes it’s easier to know the possible causes of low-self-worth:
Negative experiences in early childhood.
Negative core beliefs.
Stressful life events.
In addition to affecting relationships, low self-worth can also come with the following effects:
Problems at work or school.
Becoming very upset when criticized and withdrawing from other people and activities.
Avoiding anything where you may be judged or measured against other people.
Either not looking after your appearance or overcompensating by always being perfectly groomed.
Possible depression and anxiety, eating disorders, social phobia, attention deficit disorder, and substance abuse.
Some of the specific effects that low self-worth can have on relationships are:
Feeling like your self-worth is tied up in your relationships.
Feeling as though the state of your relationship directly affects how you feel about yourself.
Not feeling as though you are worthy of your partner’s love.
Alternatively, sometimes feeling that only thing that makes you worthy of love is that you have someone who cares about you.
Building better self-worth
Some tips from the Goodwall Blog on building self-esteem:
Identify Negative Thought Patterns
Once identified, begin acknowledging when and where maladaptive thoughts arise.
When these automatic thoughts pop up, start thinking about the why behind them.
Start questioning your assumptions and gather evidence against your biases.
Start performing a cost-benefit analysis of your negative thoughts.
Switch negative thoughts for positive ones.
Keep a journal of your thoughts and progress.
Look at your relationships.
If you have friends who nit-pick everything you say and make you feel poorly about yourself, it might be time to broaden your horizons.
Take the advice you give to others.
Practice self-compassion. Recognize that you are human. Use emotions and thoughts as data. Stop black-and-white thinking.
Take hints from those around you.
Find people you trust and respect, and take note of how they respond to challenging situations or negative feedback.
Say ‘no’ when you need to.
Avoid “must” and “should” statements.
“Must” and “should” statements lock you into black-and-white thinking. You are likely placing unreasonable demands and expectations on yourself.
Implement self-care routines.
Talk to a therapist.
Stay tuned for next week, when we’ll talk about an exercise on finding your strengths that can help with self-worth and comparison!
Transcript
This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.
Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory podcast, we're beginning a two-part episode where we'll be discussing self-worth as well as comparison to others and how those things can affect your relationships both positively and negatively. Today, we'll be talking about self-worth, we're going to hit you with some studies, explain how it can have an impact on your relationships, and finally, give you some tips you can take to gain a stronger sense of positive self-worth.
Emily: Woo, this is a big, big overarching theme in my life and something that I'm currently working with my therapist on a bit, just having a better sense of self-worth and feeling better about myself because I think this and comparison are the two things that I struggle with the most in my life and it permeates and makes parts of my life probably not as good as they could be, not as optimized, not as fulfilled, not as happy because I really struggle with this.
I did want to talk about it today and I wanted to delve into potentially some ways also for me and for our listeners out there to make this better, to become better about doing both of these things in a productive and positive manner.
Honestly, when I look at the two of you. I always think of two people that are just so fricking, totally amazing and perfect within themselves and never compare themselves to anyone else. If they do then, it's only to help motivate themselves to be better or something along those lines. I know that I'm probably talking out of my ass so please discuss.
Dedeker: You're full of crap, Emily. It's so funny. Jase and I just yesterday, we had this conversation, I guess this is maybe related a little bit to self-worth and comparison and things like that, but we were talking about no monogamy and jealousy and insecurity and basically came to a place where I was like, "I thought I was the only one who felt insecure and jealous sometimes." Jase was like, "I thought you were fine. I thought I was the only one who felt jealous and insecure sometimes." Here we are folks, nine years later being like what? I think it's the same but I don't know. I've always felt with self-worth, at least for myself, it comes and goes in waves as it were.
I'm curious for you in tackling this with your therapist, was this the kind of thing where you brought this to your therapist like this is something I already know about myself or was this your therapist was like, "Maybe we should work on some self-worth," based on what you're talking. I'm just curious about--
Emily: I know 100% it was something and I was like, "This is the thing that I'm the worst at one bar none.
Dedeker: You're like, "I'm so unworthy because my self-worth is so low."
Emily: 100%. That's fascinating what you're talking about. Also, I am curious just to get your take on this because I started talking to my partner about this who was like, "Oh, what are you going to talk about on your episode next week?" I was like, "Self-worth and stuff and comparison because those are the two things that I'm the worst at."
He said, "I also struggle with this, but it's not something that I feel I can talk about a lot because as a person who has been socialized as a male, as a guy, essentially, I feel as though if I do talk about it, then society at large will punish me for it." I do wonder if that is a thing that people who have been socialized as men feel that they can't speak about it or is what you feel about that Jase?
Jase: That is an interesting thing to talk about. Gosh, it's hard because I feel like I've been in this world of dismantling a lot of that socializing for a while. Maybe my perspective's a little bit different. I think also that really changes. I don't think it's so cut and dry as just, oh, as being raised as a man, this isn't okay or it is. I think it depends on what your family was like. What kind of work you do, what kind of environments you're in, what your social group is like? I think it really varies, but I will say in terms of struggling with it too, in general, I feel like I have a fairly good self-worth.
Yet after almost every episode we record, I go to Dedeker and I'm like, "Was I terrible and was horrible and awful? Everyone hates me and this is the worst thing ever?" This is true. She just recently was like, "You know, you're not allowed to say that anymore." That's off-limits. We're just going to not give that anymore oxygen as it were.
Dedeker: We'll see how that experiment goes.
Emily: We're recording another one.
Dedeker: As someone who has dated a lot of men in the past, that is something that I've noticed about you, Jase, is that at least when you're having a shame spiral or you're going through a period of really low self-worth or really extreme negative self-talk, at least with me, you seem very comfortable in acknowledging that and just saying that, that that's what's going on for you. You're really struggling with that, that's hard.
I've definitely had male friends and partners where that wouldn't be the first place they would go to acknowledge it. The first coping mechanism is to either deny it or maybe bluff my way through it or get angry or, and then maybe much further down the road will it finally come to, "Oh, yes. It's because I was feeling ashamed of myself or feeling I wasn't smart or inadequate or feeling like there's something inherently wrong with me." I think you got that going for you.
Jase: That's good. I will say, now that you put it that way, there is sometimes some fear that comes up with that though of admitting this might make me unattractive and you won't be into me anymore. There is a little seat at that even though like I said, this is something I've done a lot of work on for many years of trying to unlearn some of that socialization, but there is a piece of that. You're right. There is something there
Emily: Just to touch on that real quick. I did think about that in relation to myself because I think we're taught insecurity as a whole is not attractive to our partners. While I think that sometimes that is true, the parts of being a good partner is being able to understand one another's maybe faults or things that they can work on.
Perhaps this is something that people like me and almost everyone else that I know can work on it some way or another. That's okay. Insecurity is when they become debilitating. That's one thing. If it is something that you are actively trying to work through and make a positive change, then that's okay to come to your partner about. We should hopefully feel safe enough to do that.
Dedeker: I wonder if it's the difference between I come to my partner because I'm expecting them to fix it right in that moment or fix all my insecurity versus coming to my partner and just being honest about this is what I'm going through. Maybe reassurance could help with that but maybe not. Maybe it's just telling you that. I wonder if there's something about that.
Jase: That's definitely an interesting piece because there is that if it's, that I'm always coming to you for validation and assurance that that does become frustrating over time. I've been on both sides of that in relationships in the past. That's not a great pattern to get into of I just need you to tell me I'm okay because I'm not working on this and I'm not getting there myself.
At the same time though, to just think, "Oh, I have to do this all on my own in a bubble." That's going to be a really hard thing to do and isn't really helpful and is also closing yourself off from a partner. There is something there to finding that balance and maybe that's something we'll get into as we talk about this more through the episode and look at some studies.
Dedeker: We're going to start off with definitions. Sometimes the term self-worth and self-esteem are used interchangeably. There's a lot of other self-words out there. My favorite is self-efficacy but a lot of those.
Emily: Hold that out in a minute, Dedeker, nice.
Dedeker: Maybe it's time for another self-efficacy episode perhaps. We covered this back in 2018. 6,000 years ago in episode 192, Self-esteem Boost. If you want a little refresher on that you can go back there but let's start with definition. Just straight up with the dictionary definition, Merriam-Webster defines self-worth as a feeling that you're a good person who deserves to be treated with respect.
Emily: It’s the same.
Dedeker: Even just reading with that definition brought up some weird little feelings.
Emily: I know. Am I a good person? I don't know. Do I deserve to be treated with respect? Yes, exactly.
Dedeker: Because I feel I'm too bold to say that. Gosh, really?
Emily: Super bold.
Dedeker: Really peel away some layers here so that self-worth. Now, in contrast, self-value and this is a definition that we pulled from PositivePsychology.com is, "More behavioral than emotional, more about how you act toward what you value including yourself than how you feel about yourself compared to others." It’s a really interesting nuance there. Again, similarly, there isn't necessarily a huge difference between self-worth and self-esteem, especially when it comes to talking to a therapist or things like that, those terms tend to be used pretty interchangeably.
Also, in the Merriam-Webster dictionary entry for self-worth, the first definition of it is just self-esteem.
Jase: It just is self-esteem. Okay, cool.
Dedeker: Yes. However, some people do feel that there's a difference again from PositivePsychology.com, "Self-esteem is what we think and feel and believe about ourselves. Self-worth is recognizing I am greater than all those things. It's a deep knowing that I'm of value, that I'm lovable, necessary to this life, and of incomprehensible worth." Oh, my God, I can't handle defining myself as having incomprehensible worth. This is bringing up way too much baggage right now.
Dedeker: Boy, oh, boy, we’re really going on a journey right out the gate.
Jase: Yes.
Emily: Yes, right out the gate. I think self-esteem is a little bit more like it can move and change day to day whereas self-worth is more like one's intrinsic value and feeling that they are on this earth maybe for a reason or that they're a lovable person that deserves to be valued and respected.
Dedeker: She deserves to be here.
Jase: Worthy of respect.
Emily: Exactly. Gosh, I know it’s tough, Dedeker, it’s tough.
Dedeker: It’s tough. It's a struggle. Then self-confidence according to the definitions that we found is maybe not an overall evaluation of yourself, but maybe just that feeling of confidence and competence in more specific areas. That's how we're going to be dealing with this today don't stress too much. Obviously, there's a lot of overlap between all of these terms so just pick what it is that actually applies to you and what you struggle with in this particular area.
Emily: Now, we wanted to look at how prevalent it is to have feelings of maybe poor self-worth or struggling with self-worth and we looked at a couple of studies to determine that and talk about it. Some of these are going to come from thebodyshop.com. The Body Shop actually did a study conducted on that website on self-esteem and it included 22,000 people across 21 different countries. They had this thing essentially called The Self-love Index. It was a score that was ranked out of 100 and the average score on this was 53 out of 100.
That essentially means that one in two people worldwide felt more self-doubt than self-love and the report also revealed around 60% of people wish that they had more respect for themselves. Tracks.
Jase: Yes.
Dedeker: We’re rocking like a solid D for most people on the self-worth front. Goodness.
Emily: Yes, rocking that absolutely. Also, LGBTQ people and those with disabilities scored more poorly on self-love and self-esteem measures than the general population. They had scores in the bottom 25%.
Dedeker: Oh, wow.
Jase: Wow.
Emily: Around 53% of adults and 58% of people under the age of 18 reported that the COVID-19 lockdown had made them feel worse about their appearance and that actually is something that my therapist threw out there as well recently is she was like this is something that has come up a ton and just how much COVID and being locked down is really been challenging for so many people and caused them to have feelings of self-worth being lessened and things along those lines and just wanting to go to therapy more in general.
Also, this sort of goes along with that. A study conducted in 2020 by the UK Government asked 7,878 people about their perception of their body appearance and shape, and 61% of adults said they either felt negative or very negative about their body image most of the time. A further 66% of children felt the same way. I know that's been reported as well that COVID-19 like I said it has made some people feel worse about their appearance as well. I think
Dedeker: Even outside of that I know I've read some studies that report that specifically little girls start feeling bad about their bodies at age seven.
Emily: Geez.
Dedeker: At a ridiculously young age. Honestly, I'm sure little boys or little non-binary people are probably not too far off but I think we usually tend to focus on women and girls when it comes to body image and that. Not surprising, really depressing.
Jase: Gosh, this is something worth taking seriously and something worth addressing not just for ourselves but maybe even larger than that. Looking at another study, this is from 2011 by McClure, Tanski, Kingsbury, Gerrard, and Sargent called Characteristics Associated with Low Self-esteem Among US Adolescents was specifically looking at children. This was a sample of 6,500 adolescents aged 12 to 16 years. They were surveyed over the phone as part of a national study that had to do with substance abuse and also the media. In it, they had some questions about self-esteem.
They had three questions to assess global self-worth and again, related to physical appearance is a theme in a lot of these. They found that lower self-esteem was associated with being female, being Hispanic, being overweight and high engagement in sensation seeking.
Emily: That’s quite interesting.
Jase: I don't quite know what that means but I guess just thrill-seeking behaviors.
Emily: Or substance abuse? I'm not sure because this was about substance abuse.
Jase: Maybe.
Emily: I wonder if they also characterize looking at media as sensation-seeking.
Jase: Maybe because then they also have rebelliousness and daily TV time was associated with lower self-esteem as well, having more daily TV time. It is interesting but it does reinforce some of the things that we're just seeing in that other study and Dedeker was mentioning that it seems like girls are tending to be socialized toward this more quickly. Other factors that are associated with higher self-esteem were things like participating in team sports, having good grades in school, and parenting style.
Depending on how they were being parented, which I wish they had more details about like, what do you mean? How so? I guess just encouraging that higher self-esteem. All this to say, there are a lot of factors that might be contributing to low self-worth and low self-esteem and they could be related to your gender or ethnicity or your habits or things like that but this is very common across all sorts of demographics, and all sorts of different interests or participation in school activities that still, overall, there is a big issue with self-worth and self-esteem.
Emily: I guess this helps me feel a little bit less like I'm alone in this feeling and even the two of you said right off the top like, "I thought I was the only one who blah, blah, blah, blah, blah," and the point is no, you're not, you're definitely not the only one. There are so many people almost everyone that I know has, in some way or another, struggled with these things. At least there's some solidarity there and there's some understanding amongst too many groups of people.
Jase: That could be comforting.
Emily: Yes.
Dedeker: For sure. Now, speaking of groups of people, we can really expand this to be quite wide. Another interesting tidbit that our research assistant Em found was comparing rates of self-esteem by country. This was a survey and they found that Serbia is at the top, Serbians--
Emily: My very good Serbian friends do seem very, very like they have a lot of self-efficacy or are happy with themselves and that makes sense to me. That's good to know.
Dedeker: Serbia is at the top, the US is in sixth place. We also tend to put ourselves at the top.
Jase: We’re still quite high.
Emily: It’s quite high.
Dedeker: It’s quite high. Then Japan is at the bottom. Now, I don't know the specifics of what kind of questions they asked in a survey or things like that but it is funny that so I've been going to a weekly Japanese language meditation group on Zoom. It's all Japanese people. I'm the one weird White girl who speaks Japanese and no one knows what to do with but we meditate together. It's cool.
Emily: Amazing.
Dedeker: A few weeks ago the teacher did present I’m pretty sure these same exact findings, talking about self-worth and self-esteem rates broken down by country, and Japan was at the bottom and all the other people in the Zoom. We're pretty self-worth. They're like "Yes, totally. That tracks.
I do think that culturally, we tend to have issues with self-esteem and self-worth, and we don't really teach our kids that that's very much baked into the culture", but then the overwhelming opinion about Americans being so high up was yes, that totally tracks with people's impressions of Americans and specifically that Americans seem to have self-esteem for no good reason was the specific saying so much confidence and self-worth, but not a lot to back it up with, which I thought was funny.
Emily: Confidence of a mediocre White man, that's like it encompasses.
Dedeker: Yes, the mediocre American, basically.
Emily: Yes, the mediocre American. Exactly. There you go.
Dedeker: What they found was that no matter where people lived, people who had higher self-esteem scores had three things in common. They were more likely to be extroverts. They had lower scores for neuroticism and they were more likely to report having romantic attachments, which is interesting.
Emily: That's interesting in some ways.
Jase: I feel like a lot of introverted polyamorous people who are like, "Oh no, you don't," I've got the most romantic attachments. I don't know about that. Depends what questions they asked.
Dedeker: I get it though. I think that if my life was completely devoid of romantic attachments, I think I would have lower self-esteem and say what you will about whether that's healthy or unhealthy, but, yes, I get it. Totally.
Emily: That's fascinating.
Dedeker: Then they also found that people in more culturally individualistic countries, like the United States tends to be, they tend to rate themselves higher in self-competence than for self-liking. Then the opposite was true for people in countries that are more oriented to communities rather than individuals, which does include a lot of Asian countries like Japan, just speaking, broad cultural strokes. I thought that was just super fascinating.
Jase: That's interesting. It makes sense because we brought this up earlier with the different self-words, that self-worth and self-esteem are a different thing from self-confidence and that self-confidence tends to be more your confidence in a certain area.
I remember years ago reading, oh gosh, I don't remember what this was. It was an article or maybe it was a Ted Talk or something but was talking about this idea of self-confidence and confidence in general and how, for a lot of people, that's also something of like, I'd like to be more confident. This psychologist was basically saying yes, but confidence isn't always actually what you want because confidence when you don't have the skills to back it up, can actually get you in trouble. It's like, I'm really confident that I can drive this race car around a track when I've never done it before, but I've got a lot of confidence, right?
Dedeker: Hoo boy.
Jase: It's like, I'm good, and then you get yourself into trouble and you get hurt or you crash, or something terrible happens. Confidence isn't always a good thing. Accurate confidence is more important versus self-worth where that is something that is good to have, that idea that I'm worthy of respect and I'm worthy of love.
This is interesting too, that this study seemed to maybe conflate the two together because they noticed that in these individualistic countries, they had higher scores of self-competence, which I imagine is the same as self-confidence. It's more like, I think I'm good at stuff, but we didn't like ourselves as much. I'm like, maybe we're high on this list, but maybe we're really not actually high if you measured it a different way. It's something to be aware of there.
Emily: Sure, fascinating. Yes. Let's talk about some of the things that contribute to a person's feelings about their own self-worth positively or negatively. This comes from PositivePsychology.com and it discusses five of the top factors that people use to measure and compare their own self-worth to the worth of others.
Now, I will just say again that we're going to talk more about comparison next week on the second part of this episode and really, when you look at it this way, comparison and self-worth seem to go hand in hand, but I think for myself and for others out there, I would encourage all of us collectively to try to separate the idea of comparison from our idea of our own personal self-worth.
That's easier said than done for sure because it seems like we're constantly just pitting ourselves against each other and against the achievements of other people, but it would be nice if we can separate those but for this, when we're comparing our self-worth to the worth of others, the factors include appearance, net worth who you know/your social circle, what you do/your career and also what you achieve.
What you achieve, specifically, feels a little bit like, I don't know, what is that? What specific factors or what you achieve? Yes, it feels like it could mean a lot of different things, but I suppose yes, if one gets an Oscar, then yes, you have achieved something really impressive or a Nobel prize.
Dedeker: As someone who derives a lot of self-worth from what she achieves, I don't know. I'm still piecing this one together when we did our values episode last year or the year before or two, I don't know how many years ago. When I did that exercise, accomplishment was one of the values that came out of that interest as a top value for me. I thought that was really interesting and I have not yet done the work to sit down and think about is that a value I want to have. I've just been leaning into it.
I don't know, maybe there can be a healthy side to that. I think that shoot for the stars and aiming for goals and getting things done is a good thing. Then I think there's also a dark side to it of where your self-esteem and self-worth can go. If you fail to accomplish something or achieve something or you tried something and it didn't work out the way that you thought that it was going to or you didn't fully complete something or didn't do it perfectly, which is my curse that I'm going to be dealing with to the end of my days.
Jase: I think there's that question of, what do I think counts as an achievement worth achieving? That, for one person, that may be very different from another and I could see certain goals being healthier than others as well or more sustainable or having a more positive impact on your life and the people around you than other types of achievements.
Just thinking about, is the achievement just about buying a thing, or is an achievement about doing good in the world in some way? Or is it about hitting a certain rank at your job? Or is it about your health or your relationship health? There's a lot of different ways you could put those achievements, which again, may or may not be the best way to go about it but that is an interesting one because it is, like you said, Emily, really depends on what you think is an achievement.
Emily: Yes, and your achievement may not be the same as somebody else's like you, and another person may technically achieve the same thing, but they may view it very differently than you do. Our own internal strife gets into all of this and that's why comparison, I think, can be challenging just in general. All right. Again, all of these things. This ties into your values discussion, Dedeker, but what are other things that might contribute to a person's self-worth? Because you said, specifically, what you achieve. Achievements. I think--
Dedeker: Yes, definitely achievement.
Emily: I think for me, I just would like to have enough money someday to not freak out about money every six months or so and feel like I don't have any. That, to me, would be I would feel better about myself I think if I could consistently do that. I felt really good about myself when I paid off my debt, for instance, and when I started putting money away for retirement. Having that money thing be easier in my life, I feel like would contribute to my self-worth, for instance.
Jase: If we look at these things that were mentioned on this self-worth page on PositivePsychology.com, net worth came up as one in a way that we both evaluate our own worth and compare ourselves to others, is that idea of what we, how much money we think someone else has versus how much we think we have. That's maybe a topic for another time about how we often have very weird and not accurate concepts of both of those, but also appearances here.
I know that's certainly one. I see that a lot with even just in a generally friendly way of comparing oneself to others, usually in a self-deprecating way of like, oh, but look at all that hair you've got or like, oh, you wouldn't understand you're so skinny or whatever it is that talk comes up a lot. I do think that that's one that, from all those studies we've read before, is a big one that shows up a lot with whatever you think that is too. That might vary too, about what you think is attractive or what I should look like for my age or my gender or whatever. That's definitely a big one that affects us. I know it affects me.
Dedeker: I think also competitive situations. I think that could be everything from relatively high stakes competition of I'm trying to get this promotion at work or I'm trying to get this job or I'm trying to perform in school in a particular way or all the way down to I really want to win this board game because my worth is tied to that. To say that so directly, I don't think anyone ever directly thinks that, oh, if I don't win this board game, then I'm worth nothing, but still we have those little sticky ties and that does motivate the way that we act.
Emily: Something that's not on here that is something that I think about a lot is a perception of intelligence, internal wisdom or intelligence, and that's one of the things that I feel I struggle in a lot. My own perception of my own intelligence and that I tend to be friends with or have family members who are extremely, in my perception, is that they have a lot of that. A shit time and that I am super inferior to all of them. Basically, everyone else. That's I think a thing that's really interesting that isn't on this list at all. Maybe it's just somebody is I am bearer what their achievements or what their career is. Maybe that factors in some way. I don't know.
Jase: In some of the research that we looked at with younger people through college, academic achievement comes up, but then it's like once you're not in school it's almost like the studies stop paying attention to that. That is an interesting one that it's like we almost think it's transitioning straight from academic competence to career success, whatever that looks like, rather than it's interesting, Emily, that you point out more that sense of, am I smarter than my friends or am I as smart as them or whatever? That is another one, that is an interesting one.
Emily: I do, I feel smart in general, something along those lines, and how that contributes to self-worth. We are going to continue on talking about self-worth and self-esteem. We're going to talk about what low self-esteem or self-worth looks like. How it affects one's relationships, and then also, some actionable takeaways to help me with this and all of you out there as well because definitely, I think a lot of us could use a little help in all of this stuff.
Before we do that, we are going to take a quick break to talk about some of the ways that you can support this show. We love bringing it out there to all y'all for free. Listen to some of our sponsors. If there are any out there that are interesting to you, then check them out and take a look because it will really, really help us out. Thanks so much.
Jase: One thing that we did want to talk about a little bit as we're getting into this when it comes to talking about self-worth and self-esteem, there are a couple of traps that people can fall into. One, is thinking that, oh, well, if I have low self-esteem or low self-worth, it's because I've decided this about myself and this is my own fault and I'm failing somehow. Which then, leads back into that same cycle of then, oh, well, I'm don't have self-worth because I'm bad at self-worth. Right you going to get caught in that loop.
Then the other mistaken idea is that I have this certain amount of low self-worth and that's just like a trait of me and I'm stuck with that forever. As we're going to talk about later on in this, this is something that there are interventions. There are things that you can do to help improve this. This is something that you can work on, but to address that first point, it's also not just something that you decided in a vacuum. That there are a lot of factors that affect how your self-worth was developed.
This includes things like experiences in early childhood, not fitting in at school for whatever reason, maybe moving around a lot, going to different schools, or just happening to be what social group you fell in with. There are so many different ways that can go. If you had parents who had high expectations, that you felt like you were always failing or maybe being neglected or possibly abuse. Things like negative core beliefs can come up, which again, are something that we were taught at some point and that through either our friends or our teachers or our parents or people around us, these ingrained beliefs about what makes a person worthwhile, who's deserving of respect and love.
Then also just stressful life events that can happen throughout your life. Like having a really unhappy relationship or bereavement over a death or having a serious illness. There are all these factors that can affect it negatively as well as positively, but just to be aware that this isn't just a fixed static thing that is totally your fault and there's nothing you can do about it because it's not. Just to keep in mind that this does have real serious effects. This can cause difficulty with relationships. We mentioned that a little bit before. Make it harder to perform well at work or at school.
Again, contributing to that same cycle can make you more sensitive to criticism or less able to feel like you can engage socially, more fear of rejection or fear of being judged or measured against other people. Even just depression symptoms, giving up on even trying them because, oh, well, I'm not even worth it. Health problems as well. Depression, anxiety, phobias, all of that can come through this and substance abuse like that study that we talked about in the first half of adolescents and looking at how self-esteem is linked to substance abuse.
Just to be aware that this is actually a very serious thing. I know we're all talking about it very lightheartedly but it is serious but it's also not hopeless. It is something that you can change.
Emily: Because this is a relationship show, I did want to address additional effects specifically on relationships if you have low self-esteem. This is something I know that I've struggled with quite a bit in my relationships and over time that idea that you get super tied up with your own self-worth gets tied up in the relationship that you're having. Also, sometimes I have felt the state of my relationship really affects how I feel about myself, or that might be a thing that occurs if things are going really well.
Yes, I'm feeling great about myself or if things are not going as well, then, gee, I'm an unworthy person or I'm not worthy of love, something along those lines. Just, in general, there may be an overwhelming feeling that you're not worthy of love. You're not worthy of love by your partner, by your family, by your friends, things like that. On the opposite end, the only thing that makes you worthy of love is that you do have somebody in your life or multiple people in your life that are giving you that love, that again, your whole idea of self-worth is just wrapped up in the concept of you being in relationship with someone.
If something ends, a breakup can really feel very difficult and set those feelings of self-worth back even more because all of a sudden you don't have the thing in your life that was anchoring you to better or more positive feelings of self-worth. Those are just some things to think about in relationships and why I think it is so important for us to learn to find internal self-worth as opposed to trying to find it in an outward external manner.
Dedeker: Of course, nested within that, we have to think about how one self-worth can also affect a non-monogamous relationship. Of course, all those things that Emily mentioned definitely apply regardless of the shape of your relationship, but there's definitely an interesting discourse online talking about how self-esteem and self-worth affect one's experience of non-monogamy or polyamory.
In particular, I'm looking at this blog on Psychology Today written by Professor Aaron Ben-Ze'ev from the University of Haifa in Israel. He writes a lot about relationships and emotions and is actually, in his writings, fairly inclusive of polyamory as well. He posits that there is this stigma that suggests that, oh, if you're agreeing to be in a non-monogamous relationship, you must have low self-esteem.
Someone with high self-worth would not sell themselves so short, as it were, to have a non-monogamous partner, but he makes this observation that he thinks that people who are in polyamorous relationships may actually require a certain amount of some reserve of high self-esteem and high self-worth because the fact that you are presented with the opportunity to compare yourself to other people much more frequently.
Again, we'll get into comparison more next week, but I thought that was an interesting argument. Then we also found this blog, this personal article, personal essay, that was published on Refinery29, and this woman was talking about what it's like to be non-monogamous. Specifically, the person writing this blog was fat and disabled, someone who carries membership within groups that are traditionally seen as not desirable, and then watching their partner have other partners or date other people who are seen as more conventionally attractive. People who are thin or non-disabled, where we tend to group or our culture tends to group in the desirable category.
It's a really, really interesting article. I would recommend people check it out, but she does go on this journey of realizing that this experience forced her to peel away a lot of these layers and see where she did have areas where she tied her self-worth to weird things like this belief that I have to be thin to be loved or I can't be in my 30s because being in your 30s means that you're basically about to be dead and dried up and irrelevant and unlovable.
Just seeing this and going through this process showed how these beliefs didn't really align with how she actually felt about herself, which was she felt that she had this high self-worth, but then there were still these sticky points at the same time. Then I really liked this actually. I'm going to read this quote.
She says, if my deepest fears came to life and Dylan, her partner, did leave me for a stick-thin 20-year-old, could I really say that I still wanted to be with him? I really like reframing it that way, this idea that if my partner really does want to leave me for someone who is "more desirable" or who is from a social standpoint, would be more desirable. Would I still be interested in my partner if there's someone who could do that?
Emily: Good for her.
Jase: What can we do about this? If this is something that we can change, what can we do to help build better self-worth? We're going to look through some of these ideas. A lot of these come from an article from the Goodwall Blog about, How to Build Self-Esteem: 12 Tips for Increasing Self-Worth & Self-Regard. The first one on the list here is to identify the negative thought patterns.
This is an idea that's rooted in cognitive behavioral therapy. Essentially, the idea is to identify what those negative thought patterns are. In the example, from that article that Dedeker was just talking about that idea of, oh, now that I'm in my 30s, that means I'm basically irrelevant and unattractive and almost dead. I just turned 40 recently. One of my friends sent me drawings children did about what it'll be like when they're in their 40s.
It's like, I'm old. I can barely walk. I'll be dead soon, stuff like that to tease me. If you find that that actually is a negative thought pattern, identifying it first. Then once identifying it, begin acknowledging when and where those thoughts arise. When do I start having these thoughts? When they just pop up, start thinking about why. Ask yourself some questions like, am I thinking this based on emotions or are there actually facts to back this up? Is there evidence that this thought is accurate? What is the worst that could happen if this were true? How can I test my thought patterns? Is there any way I can test, do an experiment and see, does this actually hold up?
Dedeker: Wow, how scientific. I love that.
Emily: My therapist totally did that with me recently. She's like, "Who's telling you these things? Is that actually true?" I'm like, "No." Most of them are no. It's just internal 100%. I do appreciate and that's a later one in this as well, but I so appreciate having an objective third party to be able to do that for you and say, wait a minute, let's stop and just really look at this analytically here. What is the reality of the situation and are these things facts or is it just something going on with you internally?
Jase: I had a counselor years ago who did a very similar thing where I was talking about, oh, I was in a band and I played a show and I felt like everyone just really hated it.
Emily: I remember that story.
Jase: Didn't like the performance. She asked very similar questions to what you just described, Emily. She's like, "Oh, did anybody tell you that?" I was like, "No." She's like, "Oh, how did you know that?" I don't know. I just felt like they probably thought that. I guess I don't really have a lot of good evidence for this, even though that didn't make it go away right away, it did at least start that questioning process.
Start that questioning of those assumptions and see if can I gather any evidence to the contrary and then start thinking about, is this thought serving me because if I don't really have good evidence to back it up, and maybe there's even evidence against it, maybe this is actually a thought that I could start letting go of.
Another one on this list here is switching negative thoughts for positive ones. Now, that just sounds like wave a magic wand and just start thinking positive thoughts instead. I think it goes along with that same idea of maybe when I really look at it, there's not a lot of evidence for this negative thought.
Is there a positive or, I know Dedeker always loves this, just a more neutral objective thought rather than I'm bad at this or I'm not worthy in this way rather than going, I'm amazing at this and I'm super worthy, I'm the best person ever to instead look for what's more objective of I'm a person who wants to be loved and it seems like people do appreciate me or something like that? I'm a person who does have intellectual conversations and people seem to understand me when I do. Finding something that's a little bit more objective or this middle ground.
Then something that I love, of course, is journaling. Journaling your thoughts and your progress on these, I find for myself, handwriting is just always more effective for me than typing on a screen or on a keyboard, but up to you, whatever it is. It just gives you this place to put the thoughts out there to help freeze them in place, instead of just letting them spin and cycle in your head.
Emily: Another one is to look at your relationships. This is really interesting because you can see, and you may have friends who nitpick things that you do or even family members perhaps and--
Dedeker: In my family members and my experience.
Emily: That is something to potentially create a boundary around for yourself that, I'm going to leave the room or I'm going to hang up the phone when you start to nitpick or trigger this thing because this is something that I'm working on and it doesn't contribute to my feelings of good self-esteem or self-worth. That I think is something to examine also in your relationships. I mean, geez, if you have a partner who's super nitpicky and really challenging your feelings of self-worth, then maybe it's time to look past that relationship or move on.
Jase: I was going to say it's like boundaries might help you in certain areas. Like you said, Emily, removing yourself from that situation, but it's also that maybe really have that hard talk with yourself about finding some other relationships, not just your romantic ones, but also maybe I should be hanging out with these other friends more than this one or find some new friends or something. I know that's easier said than done but having that force in your life all the time, you're not going to be well to your happiness.
Emily: Totally. This next one is a super novel concept. Not really, it's one that is easier said than done. Something that the three of us talk about a lot, which is the take the advice that you give to others. All three of us are like, oh, my, we're a really good addition to have, but not great at doing it actually internally at taking it.
If you're telling your partner or your friends or other people in your life that they need to be practicing self-compassion and cutting themselves some slack and stop this black-and-white thinking, things like that, maybe it's time for you to do that as well, perhaps.
Dedeker: I don't know, Emily. I don't know. How do I get on board with that one?
Emily: Oh, okay.
Jase: Even just having someone ask you the question of turning it around and be like, "What would you tell someone else if they came to you asking this?" Can be a helpful way to think about that to get out of your own head a little bit and think, what would I tell someone else then maybe I can do that?
Emily: Yes. Also, you can take hints from those around you and that's, essentially, just try to find people that you trust and respect and take note of how they respond to challenging situations or negative feedback. That's something that maybe you can try doing as well. I think that's--
Jase: Assuming they do it well, assuming you can think they handle it well.
Emily: I think that's good advice. If I see someone who's really able to take criticism well and use it effectively for themselves in their life, as opposed to somebody who flies up the handle or gets defensive immediately, I think that's a good thing to emulate to go towards in the direction of the person who takes criticism well or does something well that you yourself are trying to do as well.
Jase: I love that.
Emily: This one is a huge one for me, saying no is okay. It is. I promise it is.
Dedeker: Going beyond to feel like just saying no is not necessarily a failure, doesn't mean that I'm a bad person-
Jase: Yes.
Dedeker: -for not saying yes to something that I didn't want to say yes to.
Emily: That's true.
Dedeker: Great.
Emily: It's okay to say no. It's probably good for you to say no at times because many of us say yes to too many things and it's not worth our time. One of Jase's favorites is avoid must and should statements. I know you were on a like, "Never say should kick for a while there."
Dedeker: It's funny is actually with my therapist. Just the other day, I said something that I felt I should be doing. He's like, "You know what happens when you say, should, you should all over yourself." I was just like, "I'm the one who says that." "No."
Emily: Say, that's going back to the previous one, take the advice that you give to others. There you go. Always or never, essentially, it's the same thing, that it can lock you into this black-and-white thinking and you might be placing unreasonable demands and expectations on yourself. I should be doing this or I must do this eventually. Yes. Trying to take it away from your vocabulary if you can. Implement self-care routines, super important self-soothing methods, things like that. We have a lot of episodes talking about best self-care routines and self-soothing methods that are super, super important.
Then finally, I feel like I've turned into one of those people who says, "My therapist says." Really, talk to a therapist if you can or a coach or a trusted third party, somebody to be objective in a lot of these things because really, I think it's hard for us to get out of our own way. I know it's so hard for me. You need a third person sometimes and that's okay.
Dedeker: Emily, are you having low self-worth right now? Is that what you're crying about?
Emily: Maybe.
Jase: Is it because you're so happy that you're making progress?
Emily: Sure. Yes.
Emily: We're trying.
Dedeker: We're all trying, Emily. We're all trying.
Emily: Next week we're going to do an exercise on finding strengths and that's going to be able to help a bit with self-worth in comparison as well. Our question for our Instagram stories this week that we would love to hear your answers to is how do you foster a positive sense of self-worth? I will be looking myself for some inspiration.