This week’s question

This week’s question for our Q&A minisode is:

I'm in a nearly twenty-year relationship that has been polyamorous from the start. We are married, have a house and kids and pets; my wife has had at least one other partner for most of that time and I've had other partners more in the last half of that.

We had a lovely few years at the beginning of sex and romance, and then with the arrival of kids things between us got a lot more exhausted and practical — I'd accepted that and hoped (out loud, even) that we'd come around to restoring some of the sex, play and romance when the kids were a bit more independent. We both have partnerships where we have managed to find romance and enthusiastic sex, but our nesting relationship is still stuck in practical mode. My wife is interested in getting out for a nice meal or even a day at the spa together but said she "wouldn't know what to do" with a couple of days away together, and that she's not really interested in restoring some of our sexual and romantic connection — not now and she can't see aspiring to it or missing it, really. I know she has energy for sexual and romantic connection with her other partners and I'm feeling left out and saddened that we can't even agree to aspire to making things better.

I know comparison is the thief of joy, that all relationships are different and that we all get to want what we want, but is there some ethical way to improve our odds of restoring some of the old connection? Is it just a matter of ensuring the good working of the household and wellbeing of the children and accepting her reduced view of what our partnership is about?

Quashed in Quebec