475 - Is It Better to Settle in Relationships?
Compromise or hold out for perfection?
In a 2023 survey from American Survey Center, 30% of single Americans say a major reason they are not dating is failure to find a partner who lives up to their expectations.
When it comes to compromising in a relationship, there’s a light side:
If you are holding out for the perfect person or perfect relationship, you will never be in a relationship.
You can meet people where they are.
Don’t try to change people.
Extend grace and understanding for a partner’s flaws, the same way that you want grace and understanding to be extended for your flaws.
The Gottman’s have something called a “good enough” relationship.
Statistics about how some of the healthiest relationships are among people who know that some topics will never be resolved, and they build skill around avoiding those topics.
And a dark side:
Settling for less than, lingering feelings of being unfulfilled, FOMO.
Compromising fundamental aspects of oneself and core values, such as:
Desires for monogamy or non-monogamy.
Sexuality.
Dreams and aspirations.
Swallowing unacceptable behavior from a partner.
Accepting less than what’s deserved, like neglect, an imbalance in labor, etc.
Feeling like you don’t deserve a better relationship, or feeling like this is just as good as relationships get.
Likewise, there’s a light and dark side to refusing to settle in a relationship. The pros of that are:
Holding out for a partner who is a good match, who shares your values, and who treats you well.
Getting the relationship that you want by being willing to say no to the people that don’t offer what you want.
Attracting people who want the same things that you want.
That there could be better conflict resolution skills here, as you may already be comfortable with stating what you want without apology.
Supports and reinforces self-esteem, self-acceptance, and values.
And the cons:
“Grass is greener” mentality.
Intersections with relationship OCD and perfectionism.
No flexibility or understanding, no room for conflict, disappointment, or triggers.
Can be cut off from the possibility of wonderful relationships because standards are so high.
The argument that some people are not in the same position to be uncompromising, due to desirability politics.
The pain of having to turn people down, sometimes people that could still be good matches, just not great matches.