What and why do we romanticize?

"If you romanticize someone or something, you think or talk about them in a way which is not at all realistic and which makes them seem better than they really are."

Collins dictionary

Some examples of things we tend to romanticize in life are:

• Travel,

• Children/family/getting married,

• Being single,

• Being a starving artist,

• Living in the city/countryside,

• Living in a post-capitalist socialist queer utopia commune,

• Living together with/apart from a partner,

• Kitchen table polyamory,

• A new partner,

• A partner’s potential.

As for the case for romanticization, a 2003 study suggests these findings:

• They found that people's perceptions of their partner were influenced by both the "reality" of their partner's self-image and their own idealized projections.

• People were happier in their relationships when they saw their partner more positively than their partner saw themselves.

• People were also happier when their partner idealized them.

• Over time, positive illusions had self-fulfilling effects:

• People reported greater satisfaction, less conflict, and fewer doubts when they initially idealized their partner more.

• People came to see themselves more like how their partner initially viewed them.

• Over the course of the study, participants tended to adjust their idea of what makes an ideal partner to more closely align with the qualities they saw in their actual partner.

• This can be seen as a form of cognitive dissonance reduction, where people align their ideals with their reality to maintain a positive view of their relationship.

However, idealization can have negative effects as well. A set of three studies from 2014 suggest that too much idealization can be detrimental:

• In the first study, when people were tricked into thinking their partner saw them as way more amazing than they actually were, they physically moved away from their partner. However, when asked directly about their feelings, they didn't report any changes. This suggests that feeling over-idealized might affect our behavior without us realizing it.

• Studies 2 and 3 found that there is a “sweet spot” for idealization, but only when it comes to abilities (like being good at sports or music), not personality traits. Too little or too much idealization of abilities was linked to lower relationship satisfaction, less willingness to accommodate a partner's needs, and more feelings of being threatened.

  • The researchers noted that these inflection points suggest that an optimal level of perceived idealization occurs when a partner is perceived to view oneself slightly more positively than one sees oneself.

If you find yourself over-idealizing…

Try some of these if you think you might be over-idealizing:

• Get an outside perspective.

• Try reverse romanticization! Try out romanticizing what your current relationship/living situation is (This could be an offshoot of the romanticize your life phenomenon)

  • Could be a journal prompt - write out a very romantic, idealized version of your life from someone else’s perspective. 

  • You can get a friend to help if need be. 

  • What are the things that jump out that are actually easy to romanticize? Which parts are difficult? 

  • If this is extremely hard to do, that could be telling. 

• Examine your perfectionism. If you’re someone who is prone to perfectionism, get curious, and find a way to embrace imperfection.