What is solo polyamory?

We last discussed different styles of polyamory in episode 322 - From the Kitchen Table to the Parallel Universe, but we didn’t talk about solo polyamory.

[Solo polyamory is] having concurrent intimate relationships while maintaining independence. For the solo poly, the end goal is not an exclusive partnership, marriage, shared finances or cohabitation.

The New York Times

Solo polyamory can take a lot of different forms. A non-exhaustive list of different ways it can look is:

• Choosing to not cohabit with a romantic partner and instead live with roommates, friends, or alone.

• Choosing to prioritize one’s self first, as opposed to putting the needs of a romantic partner ahead of their own. 

• Choosing not to share certain things like finances with a partner. 

• Choosing to break free of traditional relationship escalator milestones.

• Choosing to prioritize the needs of a child or be a caretaker for someone during a specific period of time, instead of prioritizing romantic relationships. 

• Choosing to sleep alone.

• Choosing to make financial decisions alone.

• Choosing to travel or take vacations alone. 

• Choosing to not have a primary partner, and choosing to not be anyone’s primary partner. 

• Choosing to center one’s own autonomy and independence.

• Choosing to not get married to a partner.

• Choosing to be non-hierarchical with your romantic partners. 

• Choosing to live with a partner but maintain separate bedrooms.

• Choosing to marry a partner but live apart.

Solo polyamory is very individual and distinct to the one who chooses it, similar to the Relationship Anarchy smorgasbord where one can pick and choose which aspects of being solo polyamorous feels right. What’s most important about it is communicating with partners and potential partners about what exactly it means to you; that way, potential partners know exactly what is in the cards and what they can and can’t expect out of a relationship with you.

Misunderstanding solo polyamory

There’s a lot of misinformation in media and solo polyamory is often misunderstood, both by non-monogamous and monogamous people. Some of the common criticisms that pop up about it are:

1. Isn’t solo polyamory essentially the same thing as dating around? 

   • More traditionally minded people are interested in playing the field and dating multiple people, but generally are doing so in the hopes of eventually settling down and finding one person to be with. Solo polyamorists are not looking for one specific person to spend their life with, but rather will date and get into entwined relationships with multiple people.

2. Is solo polyamory inherently a more selfish relationship practice? 

   • Solo polyamory allows for the option to give yourself to not just one individual or only certain types of people in your life, but offer your time and resources out in the ways that you want to.

3. Solo polyamorous people aren’t looking for commitment or to fall in love.

   • Solo poly people can absolutely have committed relationships, they might just not look the same way a traditional relationship would look. They can still fall in love and care very deeply for their partners, but their identity will remain their own, and not necessarily enmeshed with another partner. They may not want their lives to be completely “couple centric” in the ways that are the default for many partnered people.

How do you figure out if solo polyamory is right for you?

There’s a journaling exercise you can do to figure out if being solo polyamorous might be a good practice for you. Consider the following questions:

• In my past relationships, what were common issues that arose around time, autonomy, and independence? 

• In my past relationships, did I have a tendency to acquiesce to the needs and desires of my partner? Did I put their wants and needs ahead of my own? 

• Do I think I’ve had a pattern of codependency in my relationships? Is that something I want to change? 

• Have the pressures of my last relationships made me feel claustrophobic or overwhelmed? What types of expectations from partners am I fine with and what expectations am I not? 

• Do I care deeply about my own autonomy and the autonomy of others? 

• Am I someone who values many people and things in my life in addition to or as much as my romantic relationships? Do I tend to also similarly prioritize friends, family, and my community as much as I prioritize my romantic relationships? 

• Do I prefer being alone, and cohabiting by myself? 

• Does being alone allow me to recharge and come back to my relationships as a better version of myself?

• Do I currently have things in my life that are taking precedence over a romantic relationship such as work, kids, hobbies, personal development, etc? 

• Am I interested in living a life outside of the norm, including challenging ideas of coupledom, marriage, and children? Do these values align with my own or not?

Additionally, here are some best practices for being solo polyamorous if you do indeed decide that it’s a relationship style you want to pursue:

• Make sure you are extremely up front with your partners about what it is that you are able to give from a time and relational entwinement perspective. 

• Be clear with a new partner about your expectations of the relationship escalator. Maybe do the relationship anarchy smorgasbord or the non-escalator relationship menu with them. 

• Work on creating and maintaining your specific boundaries. Check out our chapter on boundaries in our book and our episode 423: Boundaries are all about YourSelf.

• Understand that there may be some challenges if you have partners who prefer hierarchy or traditional markers of relationship growth. It isn’t impossible to have loving connections with people who are more traditional, but even more communication might be necessary. 

• Know that you deserve to have everything you want. You can have multiple, loving relationships AND have a wonderful relationship with yourself as well.