520 - Do You Treat Your Partner Worse Than You Treat Your Friends?
Assuming good intent—with everyone
Assuming good intent is something we talk about a lot, but sometimes it’s hard to uphold in practice, especially with romantic partners. There’s a lot of evidence that suggests that sometimes we treat our friends better than our partners, don’t take it as personally when they flake on plans or cancel a get together, but why do we do this?
While romantic relationships are wonderful, they can also add a significant amount of conflict to our lives and even become a major source of strife and unhappiness. But our friendships don’t necessarily create strife in our lives. According to the research studies used for this episode, friendships add happiness, health, and support, as opposed to detracting from a person’s overall wellbeing.
Let’s look at some factors that might influence why we often treat friends better than partners:
Time
We spend a lot of time with our romantic partners and often our friendships get less time commitment. Especially if we’re in the throes of NRE and making a romantic partner the automatic default when it comes to time commitments, growth and development in other areas of our lives can be limited.
Feeling a sense of entitlement to one’s time and if one of you wants to spend time doing something else for a day, that might cause conflict to arise.
The longer we know someone, the less we know about them.
Proximity
While some romantic relationships are long distance, some may end up encroaching on your personal space all the time, especially if you nest together. Playing house is fun and exciting, but it can also shine a light on a lot of differences between the way you and a partner choose to live.
Small nuisances and differences in how you run a household can grow and fester into something much larger that can cause a lot of conflict in your relationship.
Novelty
Honesty is often cited as one of the most important things to be able to have in a romantic relationship. Sometimes, people choose to be radically honest, and drop the facade that they might have in their friendships and let their partners see the real them. Sometimes however, this can result in the partner being the one to see the worst sides of a person, and feeling like the fun and happy parts are only reserved for their friends or people who they aren’t as close to.
On the other hand, sometimes romance causes partners to NOT be as honest as they should, resulting in festering emotions that eventually bubble over and cause a blow up. Or each partner never really voices what it is that they need or want in a relationship, for fear of angering or hurting the other person. This can result in a lot of misunderstandings and mismatched expectations that never fully come to light because no one is voicing their truth.
Intensity of emotional attachment
Being in a romantic relationship can be challenging, and therefore cause a lot of intense emotions to bubble to the surface. Your nervous system can be in constant overdrive, especially towards the beginning of a relationship or when the two of you are in conflict.
It can be difficult to take a step back and be on your best behavior when your emotions are at their peak.
It might be easier to say things you don’t mean, or act in a way that you never would with another person who you don’t know as well.
Boredom
Sometimes, because of proximity, lack of novelty, and an overall feeling of taking our partner for granted, we become bored of the relationship we are in and seek other things or people to bring us excitement. If we are bored, we are less likely to want to work on the relationship, to move it past the place that it is at, and to change the narrative around the way in which you treat one another.
With friends, if you simply don’t see them as often as you see your partners, you are less likely to feel bored with them.
Expectations
Sometimes there’s an identity collapse and we see our partners as an extension of ourselves.
What do we do about this?
If you’re recognizing that you might have experienced this less than favorable treatment by a partner OR you’ve been guilty of treating your partner(s) badly as opposed to your friends, don’t worry! We have actionable tips to help you become more aware of your tendencies and start strengthening partnerships.
Do a personal assessment. Ask yourself these questions:
How do I feel when I see my partner after a long day at work? How does my body feel? Do I tense up or do I feel relaxed and at ease?
How do I feel when I see a beloved friend after not seeing them for a while? How does my body feel? Energized? Excited? Elated? Nervous?
Do I long for time away from my partner? Do I feel like I am continually making concessions or compromises in terms of the time that I have with them or the time that I have for myself?
Do I feel like I haven’t been able to see my friends as often as I would like? Do I feel like I am not getting to spend time with them because of my partnerships?
Do I have preconceived notions about my partner that are clouding my judgment of them? Have these edged into resentful territory over time?
Depending on how you answer these questions, there are several things you can start to implement in your life and partnerships to foster strength and commitment.
The Gottman Approach: “Studies indicate that we can predict the outcome of a conversation purely based on how the conversation starts. If you have a gentle beginning, you’re likely to experience a gentle middle and end. In fact, Dr. Gottman completed studies that led to him being able to predict the outcome of a conversation with 96 percent accuracy by just observing the first 3 minutes of a couple’s interaction. Conversations that start off with a punch are likely to result in emotional bruising. So, take a deep breath and remember to approach your partner with the same softness you’d use to approach a friend…it’s worth it.”
Utilize microscripts: If you see that you are getting into a particular pattern of behavior with a partner, you can use a microscript to stop that pattern and move to something healthier for the two of you. Get creative and make up a microscript that is meaningful to both of you, and ideally one that is also lighthearted and fun.
Introduce something new into the relationship: Go to a place you have never been to before, enroll in an activity the two of you have always wanted to try, engage in one another’s hobbies if you have never done it before, etc. Try to infuse the relationship with excitement so that the two of you have a fresh perspective and are getting the opportunity to share something fun and new together.
Don’t forget about your friends: Remember that it is crucial for the health of your romantic relationships to make sure you also prioritize other relationships including friends and family, work relationships, etc.
Don’t forget to spend time with yourself: If you feel like your partnership(s) are causing you to never get the opportunity to be alone, make sure that you are spending enough time engaging in your own hobbies and interests. Additionally, you could do something like taking a trip by yourself for the weekend, just to get away and allow yourself some time to decompress.
Consider de-nesting (or creating more independence and distance): If a large part of the issue is simply that you are living with someone and the two of you prefer to run a household differently, consider what it might mean for the relationship if you chose to de-nest. This might be more challenging for some people than others due to obligations like raising children or financial instability, but if you are in a position to do so, it might be better for the relationship if you didn’t live together.
Transcript
This document may contain small transcription errors. If you find one please let us know at info@multiamory.com and we will fix it ASAP.
Jase: On this episode of the Multiamory Podcast, we're talking about romantic relationships and friendships, and how we often treat the two of them very differently. One might think that our romantic partners are the people we have the most important and intimate connections with, but sometimes, we don't treat our partners with as much respect and kindness as we do our friends. Why do we do this and what can we do to create more understanding in our romantic relationships? Why don't we give our partners the benefit of the doubt?
If you're interested in learning more about our communication tools that we reference on this show, you can check out our book Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships, which you can learn about at multiamory.com/book or you can pick up at your local bookstore.
Emily: To start off here, have the two of you ever had a friend who maybe was a little bit on the flakier side or wasn't really phenomenal at responding to text messages? Maybe there were other qualities that weren't the best, but you still really had a nice time with them and you loved having them in your life, and you could overlook those things about them. Have you ever had a friend like that?
Jase: Yes.
Dedeker: Yes. Completely. It's actually something that recently has caused me a tiny bit of distress because---
Emily: Oh, really?
Dedeker: Well, because I've been thinking about that. I have a friend who's expressed some certain life decisions recently where I've been like, "I don't know if I can endorse that, but you're my friend, and I just want to validate you and hold you up." I know that I'm treating this friend in a way that I might treat a romantic partner differently, or I might be a little bit more critical, yet, honest of how I feel about their decision-making, perhaps. I guess because I might interpret that their decision-making maybe affects me more than it does with this particular friend.
Emily: Yes.
Jase: Yes. There's definitely I can think of. I can think of a few examples of this, but often, for me, it was that sense of I find this annoying, and yet, there's other things that I enjoy about this relationship. I know that I'm going to have enough distance from it that I can deal with it in these shorter-ish, even if it might be like, "Oh, we're together for a weekend or something," but it feels more like, "Okay. I can get through this to enjoy the good parts and not worry so much about this." Maybe also thinking longer term where it's like, "Yes. Some months is more annoying than others, but on the whole, it's cool. Also, there's some distance there." I guess that's what's coming up in the examples that are coming to mind right now.
Emily: With both of you, what you were saying is that proximity thing matters in terms of whether or not you want to keep this person in your life. If you had a partner, for example, that maybe you put a little bit more time and stock in the relationship, you might not necessarily be as okay if they were also doing similar things. Would you agree with that?
Jase: Yes. It's weird. I'm thinking about the honesty thing. I know we'll get into this later in the episode, too, but like Dedeker was saying, I think that with romantic partners, in some ways, it's like you're more likely to talk to them about things that bother you, and so you could look at that as being more honest.
On the other hand, I feel like sometimes with friends, I can be a little more just clear about, like, "Hey, this is a problem for me." Whereas, with a partner, maybe it's like you won't do that until it's gone on for much longer or-- I don't know. I'm not sure about that. I'm actually going to have to observe myself much more over the next several years and see which is true.
Emily: Well, I divided this episode into three parts, discussing who are we talking about here. We're talking about friends and our relationships and lovers. Then why are we doing this? Why are we treating our friends and our romantic relationships differently?
Finally, what can we do about this? What is there to be done about treating them differently? Maybe treating one better than the other? How do we get to more of an equality standpoint, an equitable kindness to our friends and to our lovers?
I think on this show, we talk a lot about assuming good intent. That can be difficult in practice. It can be difficult to assume good intent with a partner, for instance, especially I've found after a long period of time of knowing them and maybe having repeated instances of a certain behavior that causes you to knee-jerk reaction, just expect that from them.
I do think that resentment can build up over time, things along those lines. I think with our friends, we might see some of the behaviors that we were talking about like canceling plans at the last minute or flaking out on a scheduled phone call, for instance, or being wishy-washy in general or not texting us back. Those things, we can just be okay with with friends, but with a romantic relationship, that's not necessarily something that we would offer as much leeway to. A couple months ago, we did an episode on This is Why You Struggle with Honesty. We delved into why it's so hard sometimes to be honest with a partner but I want to--
Jase: By a couple of months ago, you mean almost a year ago. Right?
Emily: It was almost a year? Yes. I just fooled you. Wow.
You're rubbing off on me, too. I wanted to continue that conversation and ask why do we offer more leeway to our friends than our partners? Why do we tend to be kinder sometimes even to our friends, give them the benefit of the doubt when similar behavior would really upset us if a partner did it. There's a lot of evidence out there that shows that we do tend to treat our romantic partners, and especially our long-term romantic partners differently than we do our friends. I think it's safe to say that sometimes we treat our friends better than we treat our romantic partners.
That's kind of sad, especially when we look at the fact that our partners are supposed to be the most important people in our lives. This is the rhetoric. This is the thing that they teach us, especially in monogamous settings, that romance and our romantic partners are at the top of the heap. Even though that might be the case, a lot of times, we're not as kind and understanding to our partners as we might be to our friends.
Jase: Yes. It's making me think a little bit of this boomerang effect, though, because when you're in NRE, that new relationship energy, and it's like, "This person can do no wrong. They're wonderful. I want to spend all my time with them," often at the expense of our commitments to our friends like we've talked about before, but then, once that wears off, it's almost like the pendulum swings back the other way and then just stays stuck on the other side where we don't treat the romantic partner as well as we do our friends in terms of giving them the benefit of the doubt or things like that, like you're talking about.
I just want to throw that out there because it occurred to me that there's a little bit of-- it depends on where you are in that cycle with all of this, maybe keeping that in mind that this might be more likely to show up in longer, more entwined relationships.
Emily: Absolutely.
Jase: I'm curious. Maybe not always.
Emily: Well, yes. That's a really good point. I think it is that novelty seeking to a degree as well because those newer relationships, we might be on our absolute best behavior in those new relationships, but the established relationships, not so much. I think that that becomes really tricky, especially for somebody who has been with you for a while, to not see that behavior and be, like, "What the hell? Why are you treating me like this?" Then everybody else gets to see the best versions of you. There are some studies out there about basically why friendships are so important for our well-being.
There was a study called Associations Among Relational Values Support Health and Well-Being across the Adult Lifespan. This was by William J. Chopik in 2017. It was published in Personal Relationships. He conducted two different studies which asked, is the link between close relationships and health and well-being static across the lifespan, or are the benefits most evident in older adulthood when concerns about physical health are greater? He did two different studies. They were pretty dang big studies. One of them was 271,000 adults.
Jase: Wow.
Emily: It was a cross-sectional survey. They found that valuing friendships was related to better functioning, particularly among older adults, whereas valuing familial relationships exerted a static influence on health and well-being across the lifespan. Basically, that means friendships, you get more benefits from that, especially when you are an older person, as opposed to just having strong family ties or strong family bonds.
Jase: Interesting. That the family bonds stayed consistent regardless of age, but the friendships became even more correlated with health and well-being as you got older.
Dedeker: Do you know, though, because the thing that always trips me up with these studies is that the definition of family can change because when people get married, for instance, sometimes, they get categorized under that family category as opposed to a romantic relationship. Did the study clarify that at all?
Emily: I do think that this was looking specifically at family, meaning, marriage and therefore, the immediate family that is around you. The people outside of that sphere were the ones that mattered more in terms of higher health benefits, for instance. They did find that family and friend relationships were linked to better health and happiness overall, but only friendships became a stronger predictor of health and happiness at advanced ages. It's like the older you get, the more this matters.
Jase: Yes. Wow.
Emily: Then there was a second study, a longitudinal study of 7,481 older adults, and it showed that strain from friendships predicted more chronic illnesses over a six-year period and that support from spouses, children, and friends predicted higher subjective well-being over an eight-year period. There's the potential for strain on friendships that's going to maybe cause more chronic illness in your life potentially.
Dedeker: It sounds like you get more bang for your buck from valuing your friendships, but there's also the risk that it could-
Emily: Harm you if you are strained.
Dedeker: -harm you. Yes.
Jase: The loss of those could be greater, have a greater impact. However, it is clear that support from spouses, children, and friends, all of those together, predict higher well-being if you do have that support.
Emily: That's true.
Jase: It seems like both types of relationships are really important, but it's interesting that both find how important friends are, especially as you get older. That's really interesting.
Emily: Well, and he noted that friends can help prevent loneliness in older adults who maybe experienced bereavement, or if you can get important people in your life, then that's probably going to help you feel better, especially if you're not going to the office every day or if you had a spouse die, for instance.
The second study I found was called The State of American Friendships: Change, Challenges, and Loss. It was just a survey by the Survey Center on American Life that was done in May 2021. They were looking at stuff after the pandemic, for instance. They did interviews among a random sample of 2,019 adults that were over the age of 18.
It found that Americans with larger social circles are less likely to report feeling lonely or isolated. This made me think about the fact that especially in the nuclear family model that so many people get themselves into, that you tend to potentially not have as many friends or not as many points of contact with people outside of that nuclear family.
Dedeker: Sure.
Emily: That can cause you to feel a lot of isolation. During the pandemic, for instance, often, those were the only people that you ever were around. Of course, there's a potential for more depression, especially with that huge period of isolation. They found that basically, the more friends you have, the happier you're going to be, which is really interesting. I'm not exactly sure why that is but they were finding that, for instance, more than half, 51% of Americans with 10 or more close friends, and nearly half, 49% of those with six to nine close friends, reported being very or completely satisfied with their personal health, for example.
In contrast, only 29 and 30% of Americans with no close friends and one close friend said that they feel very or completely satisfied with their physical health. This is like social isolation versus your feelings of well-being and even your physical health and just how satisfied or not you are with us. Again, having close friends seems to matter a lot, and I think that that makes sense.
Dedeker: Who has time for six to nine close friends?
Jase: Goodness.
Dedeker: Well, I'm the introvert over here. Right?
Emily: Yes.
Jase: Sure. Sure.
Emily: That's an interesting point.
Dedeker: I'm just like, "Wow."
Jase: I wonder what counts as a close friend for this.
Dedeker: Yes.
Jase: We don't quite know that.
Emily: Exactly. That's the thing because I still-- Even though you say that, Dedeker, I can think about quite a few people that in different areas and avenues of your life and also different places that you exist in, you may be around somebody when you're in Asia, for example, that you might not get to see on a regular basis, or you might be around people in your hometown in Seattle. You see me a lot.
Dedeker: Well, sure. Yes. I mean you're a close friend.
Jase: I just tallied up your close friends that I can think of on my fingers, Dedeker, and-
Emily: Oh, you tallied up Dedeker's close friends?
Dedeker: Wait. My close friends?
Jase: Yes. I'm at least seven already.
Dedeker: There you go.
Jase: I think you're doing great. Yes.
Dedeker: Send me a list.
Emily: Exactly.
Jase: Okay. Sure. I'll email that to you.
Emily: She will review that list.
Dedeker: No, really, though. Really, though. Send me a list.
Jase: Okay. Great.
Emily: Exactly. That's good. Six to nine. You're already there.
Jase: Yes. So--
Dedeker: Well, I'll be the judge of that.
Jase: Okay. We've established that friends are really important, and that's something we do like to emphasize on this show is how valuable it is to not just prioritize romantic relationships, but also the other types of relationships in our lives. Romantic relationships, though, for a lot of people, have this special place. They're wonderful, they can bring a lot of joy, and a lot of people really seek out those kinds of relationships, but they can also be a source of a large amount of conflict in a person's life and even become a major source of unhappiness. We've definitely seen this. You can think about sitcoms. That's like half the joke is how miserable your partner makes you or like stand-up comedy. Maybe that's an even better example.
Dedeker: Are you thinking about boomer stand-up comedy specifically?
Jase: Sure. Sure. Yes. Boomer stand-up comedy and boomer sitcoms, yes, it's all about that, "Oh, my spouse is such a pain in the butt. Oh, they're always nagging me. Oh, they're always being so stupid. Oh, they're always doing the wrong thing." Whatever it is. I think in real life, it's less funny. Often, we can end up really unhappy in those relationships, and we can sometimes not quite understand why that is.
Dedeker: Generally, I think that friendships don't necessarily create an enormous amount of strife in a person's life. Obviously, there's a lot of this empirical evidence to suggest that they're adding happiness, health, support, that they're adding rather than taking away from a person's overall well-being. Well, of course, that's not true in every single friendship at all times in our lives. I think that we can feel into this sense that maybe my friends feel a little bit more neutral, maybe a little bit more safer, and my romantic partner or partners can carry more charge with them. Maybe there's something about us being able to sense this subconsciously. Maybe that's why it's easier for us to offer understanding to our friends, less understanding to our romantic partners potentially.
Emily: Now, let's get into talking about why it is that we sometimes tend to treat our romantic relationships differently than our friendships, especially when we've been with a romantic partner for a long period of time. Time is the first reason. We spend a lot of time with our romantic partners. I think that over time, we find that we have some entitlement to our partner's time. You might feel like, "Wait a minute. If this person wants to spend their time doing something else, that's an affront to me."
Jase: It's like, "They're taking that time from me."
Emily: Exactly. Yes. Absolutely. It might cause some conflict to arise. Like Jase said at the beginning, when you are in the throes of NRE, just seeing a person all the time feels really good and feels really exciting, and it can cause you to maybe take time away from yourself or from your friendships or your other romantic partners.
I do think, like you said, that flips eventually. Something that I found especially in my longer-term relationships is the longer that I spend with someone, sometimes, the less I actually know about them and what's going on in their inner world because you have all of these preconceived notions and cognitive biases that have built up over a long period of time.
Those are the things that you default to when you're looking at them, when you're thinking about them, when they start to say something, and you're like, "Oh, I know what that reaction is going to be like." Instead of actually listening to your partner and actually realizing, like, "Wait a minute. Let me just take a minute here and hear what they have to say," you automatically default to the worst-case scenario or a shitty reaction.
Jase: Dedeker, what was that study? Do you remember we talked about this a while back, a couple of years ago probably?
Dedeker: Yes. I'm not going to be able to remember the specifics of the study, but it is about that. As we spend more time with people, we actually get worse at predicting what they're thinking and feeling because we've built up a whole narrative already of what we think that we know about them that doesn't leave a lot of room for them to show up in a different way.
Emily: I found that to be so true and such an enormous cause of conflict in my relationships, with both myself thinking those things and my partner thinking those things about me.
Dedeker: Sure.
Jase: Yes. Definitely. I think the thing about that study was that not only were people who had been with someone longer were worse at predicting what they would react to things or what they would think, but were more confident that they were correct. It's like on both sides. It's like you think more and more that you know while you actually know less and less. It's a double-edged sword there.
The next one is proximity. We talked about spending a lot of time with this person, but if you think about romantic relationships where we're likely either seeing this person really often or often living with this person. There's a physical aspect to that proximity of just being in that space where suddenly, the decisions that they make about their personal space are decisions they're making about your personal space as well.
While playing house and interior decorating can be fun and exciting, it also shines light on those little differences, and that suddenly, those little differences are not just, "Oh, that's kooky and fun to see what's happening over here." It's, "Oh, my God. It's up in my shit right now. I'm really annoyed by this thing," that otherwise I might find charming or at the very least, overlookable, something that you can get past. These small differences can really add up to something that causes conflict when they're right on top of you all the time and not in the sexy way.
Dedeker: I think we've seen that play out whenever people do decide to live with their friends that sometimes that can go great.
Emily: It's similar.
Jase: That's true.
Dedeker: Of course, sometimes, that can be fantastic and just a dream arrangement because, yes, it is possible to live with people, whether your friends or romantic partners, but sometimes, that can really ruin friendships also because of that proximity feature.
Jase: Actually, the friend, one of the friends I was thinking of in the earlier example, yes, it was a lot harder while we lived together because all that stuff was right in my face versus, "You got your space and I can deal with it for a weekend," or when I come over to hang out, but it's not my space all the time. Yes. Definitely.
Dedeker: I think novelty can be a part of that, especially if we're talking about living with a romantic partner that the more space--
Emily: Novelty goes away.
Dedeker: Yes. The less space there is, the less area there is for actual novelty. Esther Perel has written so many books about this specifically versus our friends. Often, there is this built-in sense of there's this distance, there's this independence, there's this space. Maybe there is-- I don't know. There's this romanticized idea in our romantic partnerships about the mystery, trying to be a sense of mystery that keeps desire going and maybe like our friendships, even our ones that have lasted for a really long time, maybe there's always that little sense of mystery because we're not with them 24/7 necessarily.
Emily: Not all up in their face constantly.
Dedeker: Yes. Maybe it's easier for there to be opportunities for finding novel experiences for instance.
Jase: I almost feel like with friends, even falling back into your old jokes or your old way of being is itself novel if it's a friend that you're not seeing constantly. If it is that friend, I can think of one that we'll get together every, I don't know, a month or two or three, it can vary, and there is a novelty even though we mostly do the same stuff and make the same jokes every time.
Emily: Another thing to look at is the sense of perfectionism that we tend to have with our partners when you're in a monogamous relationship and that you only have one partner, there's a tendency to place all of your eggs in that partner's basket and hope that they are going to be the one to solve your issues, to fill up the holes that you have from your family of origin or whatever the heck it is, and that they're going to be perfect and going to be everything to you at all times.
I think that places a lot of pressure on a relationship, not just the person feeling, like, "Oh, God, I have to be perfect for my partner all the time," but you putting pressure on that relationship and saying, like, "Yes. I want this person to do the best and be the best that they possibly can be because it is kind of a reflection on me and on the relationship."
There is this sense that partners have to fulfill all of these different roles. Meaning, they're your sexual partner, they're your confidant, they're your best friend, maybe a co-parent, or a coach, or your scheduler, et cetera, just all of these different things. Again, that's just so, so much pressure to put on a relationship.
Jase: Definitely. I think that this is something we've talked about before with monogamous relationships. When people come in realizing that this person shouldn't be all of those roles, you're more likely to have a happier, more satisfying relationship that can stand the test of time.
It makes sense that that pressure would also mean any criticism you have of them is a bigger deal if you are trying to have them fill all of these roles because it's then like, "Oh, no. If you're failing at these, you're the one who does all of these jobs, you're the one that I expect to do all of these things." That can feel like a more critical failure. It's not like, "Okay. Maybe I'll have a different workout buddy than this one." It's like, "Oh, no. They've all got to be in this one basket."
I want to come back to honesty, which we mentioned a little bit before. Honesty is often one of those things that's cited as one of the most important aspects to have in a romantic relationship. People can be really radically honest. Maybe that's the person you admit more things to. They get to see you on this day-to-day basis. You can't hide as much from them. However, sometimes, this can result in that partner being the one who sees the worst sides, maybe is a harsh way to say that, but it's like they see all the messy sides that you might keep from other people.
That's on like a day-to-day basis of just they're the one who sees you when you're sick and your friends probably don't as much or just the things you do that are a little shittier like playing video games when you're supposed to be working or maybe being dishonest to a friend or a family member about why you can't hang out with them. It's like they're privy to more of that kind of stuff.
On the other hand, though, I think there's certain ways where we can be less honest with our romantic partners, maybe because of that pressure-- this is the one I haven't quite wrapped my head around why this is. Maybe it's because if I'm honest with you and you get upset with me and you're my friend, I can trust that you'll brush it off or we'll get past it, versus if you're my romantic partner, I'm stuck in this house with you and I'm going to suffer because of it." Even if we don't live together, it's like, "Oh, I'm going to suffer more because of this because it's going to affect my sex life and a lot of my social life," and all these other things. There's a feeling of you can't escape from the consequences of it perhaps.
Dedeker: That makes sense.
Jase: I'm just brainstorming here different ideas why that might be, but I think in certain areas, we can be more honest with romantic partners, but in other areas, not.
Emily: This honesty one was kind of the through line into this entire episode because I found in my last relationship that I had a really hard time being honest about what it was that I needed and I just pushed that away to make sure that I could keep the peace in the relationship.
Now we've done an episode fairly recently about honesty, so I didn't want just rehash that, but it did make me think about all of these other things, and again, just the pressure that we put on our partners and the pressure that we put on ourselves because we don't want to screw it up. If you're in it for the long haul, you're constantly maneuvering and figuring out how can I deal with this relationship in a way that makes all of us happy. Sometimes, that's at your own personal expense, unfortunately.
Speaking of all that, there is a lot of intensity that comes with romantic relationships. Your nervous system is sometimes in a really heightened place, especially if you get into intense conflict. Ideally, we are trying to do things to lessen that, but I think that those emotions can bubble to the surface and your nervous system is in overdrive, especially if you tend to have a lot of conflict in your relationship.
It can be really difficult to kind of take a step back and be on your best behavior when your emotions are in overdrive. It might be easier to say things that you don't necessarily mean or lash out in a way that's really, really unproductive. You probably wouldn't do those same types of things with a friend, I think, just simply because the intensity of emotions isn't going to be as high with a friend.
Jase: I'm thinking back and I've definitely had some interactions with friends that have gotten pretty intense, disagreements or conflicts, but I think one of the big differences there is that often, with a friend, if it gets to that place, it's like we'll sometimes just naturally step back and not talk to that person as much for the next while, maybe a few months even, or maybe just a few days, depending how often you normally see each other.
It's like that feels more acceptable to do, and to then come back together after you've cooled off a bit from it. Now, maybe it's different with a roommate, of course, but I'm thinking of a friend that you don't see that constantly, that there can be this natural cooling-off period that no one panics about. Whereas, I think in a romantic relationship, we're cutting off contact even for a few days, or we're taking a break can stir up more of those feelings of, like, "Oh, no. This is all falling apart."
Emily: This is it.
Jase: "This is ending. This is bad."
Dedeker: I think that with our romantic partnerships, there can also be this sense of identity collapse. I do think that, of course, the more enmeshed and the more codependent you are, it's easy for this to occur. We see a romantic partner as an extension of ourselves. We can come to identify with couplehood with this other person in a way that we may not necessarily with friends. I think that's why anything they do that can upset us or get under our skin can feel that much more intense and spicy because there's a little bit of this collapsing ourself into this other person. Therefore, when they act in a way we don't like, that could feel much more threatening to our sense of self.
Jase: It's almost like, "You're bringing shame on our family by what you're doing, and so it's my business."
Dedeker: Sure. Yes.
Emily: Well, it's a reflection of your choice to be with them.
Dedeker: Yes. That, too.
Jase: I think often, we will tend to conduct ourselves as a unit, and other people will see us as a unit. Yes. There is that sense of, like, "You are my business," in a way that you aren't with a friend. That's a weird way to say it, but I guess--
Dedeker: Yes. That is a weird way to say it, Jase.
Jase: I think that's how it feels sometimes, or at least that's what it seems like when people can nitpick things like that about like, "Oh, why did you say that thing," or, "Why'd you do that," in a way that we wouldn't to a friend. Then I guess the last one here is that sometimes, just the lack of novelty, and this overall feeling of while they're around all the time, it can be easy to take a partner for granted, and we can become bored of the relationship, and we can seek things to bring us excitement.
Maybe conflict could be one of those things. With friends, because you don't see them as often as you see partners, you're less likely to feel bored with that or just like, "Oh, we're falling into the same thing." If we are bored, it also means we're less likely to want to work on the relationship to move it past the place where it is, because it's just like, "Oh, it's just there. It's not a thing I'm actively doing anymore."
Again, that shift from the new relationship energy phase where we're like, "Oh, I'm building this relationship," to then we can end up in this complacent, taking it for granted. "This isn't a thing I'm focused on working on. It's just there now. I've locked that down, secured that, squared it away. Nothing to worry about anymore." Which I think most of our listeners, if you're here listening to this show, you're already aware that that's not something that you want to do in your relationships, but it can be a hard tendency to fight against.
Emily: You may be listening to this episode and realizing your partner does this to you, and you do this back to them.
Jase: Right. You're on both sides of it.
Emily: Exactly. You realize that your partner doesn't treat you the same way that they treat their friends and you realize, "Oh, God. I don't treat my partner maybe as well or as kindly as I do my friends as well." If you're thinking in that way, maybe do a little self-assessment. You can take out your handy-dandy multiamory episode journal. I feel like we should have--
Dedeker: Oh, we should start producing that.
Emily: Seriously, we need to have-
Jase: Yes. That should be really good.
Emily: -a companion journal for all of our episodes. That would be a million-dollar idea right there. You can ask yourself the following questions. The first one is how do I feel when I see my partner after a long day? Maybe a long day at work or a long day doing a task that was difficult. When I come home or when I go out on a date with my partner, how do I feel? How does my body feel? Do I tense up or do I feel relaxed and at ease?
Then look at the same thing when you go and meet up with a friend, for instance. Maybe you haven't seen this friend in a little while. What does your body feel like then? What is your emotional state for instance? Are you energized? Are you excited? Elated? Nervous? Calm? What's going on there?
Also ask yourself, am I looking for time away from my partner? Is that something that deep down underneath it all I'm longing for? Do I feel like I am continually making concessions or compromises in terms of the time that I have with them or the time that I have for myself. Am I always looking for time away from them?
Jase: That's an interesting one because I feel like there's a certain amount of that that I think is healthy.
Emily: Definitely.
Jase: If I'm excited for some alone time, that is good and that's healthy, but it's that thing of like-
Emily: It's that constant--
Jase: -do I want that because that's the only time I can relax? Then maybe we're getting into this territory.
Emily: Absolutely. Also, look at, do I feel like I haven't been able to see my friends as often as I would like because of something that's going on in my relationship? Then, finally, that question of, if I can step back a little bit and look at my own cognitive biases, and all of these preconceived notions that I have about my partner that are potentially clouding my judgment of them, and then have these edged into resentful territory over time.
I feel like I did this unfortunately all the time in my last relationship. Immediately, I would think, "Okay. My partner is thinking something not great about me," or they must be doing this thing in a way that is not healthy or kind or whatever. It was like I was constantly going to the worst-case scenario instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt.
I don't know if that would've changed things if I was able to flip that pattern of behavior but it is interesting looking back at that and realizing, "Yes. I was part of the problem as well." Then, similarly, they were probably doing the same thing with me.
Dedeker: Depending on your answers to these questions, if you realized, yes, there is a gap here and I do want to change it. We've gathered some actual tools to help move this behavior into a healthier direction. The first thing that we can suggest is look at how you start conversations with your partner, and especially conversations that tend to lead to conflict or conversations that you're anticipating might be a little bit uncomfortable, or where you're having to give some feedback, something like that.
Basically, there's this very famous research study that the Gottman Institute did where basically, they found that they're able to predict the outcome of a conversation between a couple with 96% accuracy by just observing the first three minutes of their interaction. There's this interesting quote there from the Gottman Institute that says that conversations that start off with a punch are likely to result in emotional bruising. I feel like they need to clarify. They mean an emotional punch resulting in an emotional bruise.
Now this is the thing that I do think that with our romantic partners, and especially if you live with someone, you're around them all the time, it could be very easy to do what-- Jase labels this behavior of mine as coming in a-stormin.’
Emily: Coming in a’stormin.’
Dedeker: Is that what you call it?
Jase: Yes. Sure.
Dedeker: I was just coming in real hot into a discussion, just jumping in right away with either criticism, or a demand, or something like that. We don't tend to do this with our friends, and so the government talk a lot about this idea of softened startup, just really pay attention to how you start up conversations, or negotiations, or disagreements with a partner because that can really change the outcome.
Of course, it takes two to tango, but again, this is part of what's in your wheelhouse of what you can do to change your behavior to maybe even the playing field here a little bit. As the Gottman say, "Take a deep breath and remember to approach your partner with the same softness you'd use to approach a friend. It's worth it."
Jase: I love that they were not even writing an episode on the same topic that we are today, and yet, they landed on that same conclusion there of like, "Hey, we're more likely to do this with a friend." Another tool to throw out there in the mix is using microscripts. This is one of our tools that you can read about in our book, multiamory.com/book. We also have done an episode on it. You can search that in our catalog. It's also in one of our first nine episodes.
Basically, it's the idea of using some short phrase, or even physical gesture, or song, or joke, or reference, or something like that to short-circuit a communication pattern so that you can change it to something else. This is an entire chapter in our book, so I'm not going to go super deeply into it, but this is something you can employ if you realize you're getting into a particular habit, and both you and your partner are able to realize this is happening and you say, "Hey, you know what? Can we change this pattern somehow? Let's do something to shake it up so that we don't fall into this rut and keep doing the same thing."
The most effective way for these to work is to collaborate on something that's fun and interesting and personal, so that it's like an inside joke that I think the power of it comes from-- it's indicating that we've connected, either because we work together to make this, or maybe it's also referencing some shared cultural experience. Dedeker and I have an example of this where there's this scene in Wayne's World where--
Dedeker: Really showing your age.
Jase: Something had happened in their relationship. I forget what part of the plot we were at. They got into a fight and then in this one scene, they come back together, and one just says to the other, "Hey, I'm sorry about what I did. Buds?" The other person says, "Buds," and then it's all fixed. Right? That's all it took to get back together.
We were like, "Oh, yes. We could use that." We'll do that exact script, sometimes, if it is like, "Oh, maybe I was a little snappy with you," or, "Maybe I got grumpy or something." When we come back together, it's like, "I'm sorry about what I did. Buds?" "Buds." Then we'll usually do a bro handshake or something like that to really drive it home. Part of it that I don't think we set out to do this necessarily, but it also helps us remember that we're friends, too, and that we're not just romantic partners, but we're also buds.
Emily: I love that.
Jase: I think the key is find something that works for you. Find something creative that's silly that works for you and that feels fun and that you can do it even in low-pressure situations, too, to normalize it in your relationship.
Emily: As we've talked about, there's a lot of reasons why all of this might be happening, but if you find that the novelty aspect is a big thing, or the boredom aspect might be a big thing, try shaking the relationship up a little bit. Do something fun. Do something novel. Go to a new place with a partner, for instance, or enroll in an activity that the two of you have never done before, but maybe always wanted to try, even engage in one another's hobbies, if somebody loves D&D or Magic the Gathering, go and do that. See what all the fuss is about. Just try to get a fresh perspective on the relationship. Then hopefully you can also get the benefit of sharing something fun and new together.
Of course, don't forget about your friends. I think that as we have talked about, there's so many benefits to friendship and it also allows you to get new fresh perspectives. Then just go back to your partner and realize, "Hey, I love the fact that I can have my partnerships and I can have my friendships. Both of those things are important to me, but they are two separate things in my life, and I'm not going to be resentful of my partner because I get the opportunity to have both."
I think especially if you find I'm getting in a situation where I'm not able to spend as much time with my friends because of the expectations of my relationship, try to change that and try to make sure that you are absolutely spending time with your friends and foster and cultivate those relationships.
Jase: On that subject of making time, it's also important to make time for yourself. If you feel like your partnerships as well as your life responsibilities are causing you to never have a chance to be alone, make sure that you're trying to carve some of that out.
Now, depending on what's going on in your life, this may look like, "Oh, yes. I have a whole evening that's to myself that I don't make plans with anyone else every week," or it could just be, "Here's a couple hours that I'm going to try to carve out each month."
Hopefully, it's not as bad as in a month, but try to find that little bit of time for yourself to recharge. Do something that feels good for you. That could be everything from a hobby or an interest of yours, or it could even just be taking a walk by yourself without listening to a podcast, an intentional time of less stimulation, or any number of things.
The point here is just to realize that while we've talked a lot about how important romantic relationships, as well as friendships and family are to our health, if you're focusing on all of those at the expense of ever having any time to relax and explore for yourself, and not have to be, I guess, on in one way or another, then that can also be detrimental. It also makes it more novel when you get back together and maybe you have more things to talk about if you went out and did something else.
Dedeker: Along those lines, this one isn't necessarily an option for everybody, but if you are living with or nesting with a partner, you might want to consider de-nesting or finding some way to create more independence and distance. Again, this isn't always an option for everyone because honestly, a lot of the reasons why some people nest together is because financially, it makes a lot more sense. Not everybody is able to afford two separate living situations, but if you can, we do know a fair number of people who went through this de-nesting process and came out the other side much more positive in their relationship. Right? You can look up examples of people who are choosing to be--
Jase: Living apart together.
Dedeker: Yes. Living apart together or being married or even co-parenting, but still, deciding to live in different places. If fully moving out and living in your own place is not financially accessible to you, there's a lot of stopping points in between. There's a lot of middle ground there. Whether it's just making sure that you have more time away, do more getaways, do more solo travel if you can, or just go pet your friend's dog away from your partner for a couple of weeks. I do think it's okay to take those opportunities to create some of that distance because it can help to interrupt, again, some of that assumption, resentment, habits, routines that maybe you've fallen into and maybe allow you to have a little bit more of a reset.
Jase: Something I will say about this is that if you haven't been doing it, it can be really hard to intentionally create that space, like the pet-sitting example. If your default for however long has been, "Oh, yes. My friend needs a babysitter," or a pet sitter, or there's some opportunity, I'm going to go do this and I'm going to bring my partner with me. I'm going to try to coordinate it with their schedule.
Doing it the first time can be really scary, but I've found that for a lot of people, if they're doing it intentionally and not in a spiteful way, is really beneficial. Often, you can end up really looking forward to those times of getting to be apart because you get that excitement of getting back together. It's not like, "Oh, we're going to be apart for a year or something." It's a weekend or even just an evening or something. It can feel scary to do, but it can be really exciting once you get over that hump.
Emily: Are we going to treat our partners better, everyone?
Jase: Yes.
Emily: Is that what we learned from this episode?
Dedeker: Yes. I guess Jase will report back. Yes.
Emily: No. For sure. I hope all of us can infuse the same kindness and understanding that we give our friends. I do see this all over the place. It's difficult to be in a relationship and see your partner act or smile or their whole body changes when they're around a friend and then they turn back to you and all of that goes away and they look a lot more upset. That's a really difficult position to be in and maybe to also realize that you do. If we can move away from that and move towards more understanding and kindness, I think all of us we'll have better happier relationships.
We want to hear from you all out there. Our question of the week, which is going to be on our Instagram stories, and you can find it in the discussion thread for this episode on our Discord server is, "Are you kinder to your friends or your partners? How so? How are you kinder? What do you do? What is the specific behavior?" The best place to share your thoughts with other listeners is in the episode discussion channel in our Discord server or you can post on our private Facebook group. You can get access to these groups and join our exclusive community by going to multiamory.com/join. We are now on Supercast at sliding scale.
In addition, you can share with us publicly on Instagram at multiamory_podcast. Multiamory is created and produced by Jase Lindgren, Dedeker Winston, and me, Emily Matlack. Our production assistants are Rachel Schenewerk and Carson Collins. Our theme song is Forms I Know I Did by Josh & Anand from the Fractal Cave EP. The full transcript is available on this episode's page on multiamory.com.