528 - The Art of Stepping Back: De-escalation
Relationships change
All relationships change at least a little bit over time, but some changes are bigger than others and sometimes we struggle with having the language to talk about it. A type of relationship change is a de-escalation, and while this can be synonymous with a breakup, it doesn’t have to be. As opposed to the term popularized by Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s conscious uncoupling, de-escalation describes a change that is intentional, communicative, a much better route than ghosting someone, and doesn’t require someone to be “bad” or “wrong.” It’s similar to conscious uncoupling, just with more options.
People might choose to de-escalate for a myriad of reasons:
Changing needs.
Shifting priorities.
They got entangled too fast and the NRE is fading.
Incompatibility.
Initially miscommunicated desires.
Challenges and pitfalls of de-escalation
Calling a breakup something different doesn’t make it easy; de-escalation can still be difficult and hurt can be involved. Even if it doesn’t apply to a breakup, change is difficult and there will be a period of adjustment. De-escalation can still be painful and messy, even when it’s the right choice.
A big challenge people might face is unclear expectations. They may be mismatched, or one partner might desire a reduction in intimacy but the other one anticipates a minor change, leading to hurt feelings and miscommunication.
Relationship churning may happen as well. This refers to the phenomenon of breaking up, getting back together, breaking up, etc., or of breaking up but continuing to sleep together. Both have been correlated with worse emotional outcomes.
The spectrum of relationship reconfiguration
All of these categories in the spectrum of relationship reconfiguration overlap, and our very own Jase designed the spectrum to help people determine what they want out of a de-escalation:
Dissolution
The formal ending of a specific type of relationship, while recognizing that other forms of connection may persist or independently evolve (but not necessarily).
For example, a breakup, ending a sexual relationship, stopping using the terms partner or boyfriend/girlfriend.
De-escalation
Intentionally reducing specific areas of entanglement (time, physical intimacy, financial interdependence, etc.) while maintaining the existing relational framework.
The fundamental nature of the relationship isn't necessarily being redefined; rather, specific aspects are being dialed back.
The emotional connection may change as a consequence of the de-escalation, but it’s not the primary goal.
Examples: Reducing frequency of dates or sleepovers in a romantic relationship, or moving from a sexual to a platonic relationship.
Re-calibration
Intentionally restructuring the core dynamics or definition of a relationship to better meet evolving needs and desires.
This involves a more fundamental shift in the nature of the connection itself, beyond simply adjusting levels of entanglement.
The emotional connection may also shift, but the focus is on creating a new, mutually agreed-upon relational structure.
Examples: Shifting from a monogamous marriage to a polyamorous one, or moving out but remaining married.
Escalation
Adding additional entanglement, frequency, commitment, or intensity to specific areas of the relationship.
Generally includes an increase in emotional connection.
Examples: Moving in together, spending more time together, using a new label like "partner,” getting married, having children, combining finances, having sex (or changing how you have sex).
Practical tools for changing relationships
Some tips for easing the transition of a de-escalation or shift in any type of relationship are:
Identify your goal. Which category in the spectrum of relationship reconfiguration do you want to move towards or describes your ideal outcome?
Communicate! Make sure you have multiple conversations and have time for reflection between them to ensure both people are being heard and understood.
Find mutual yeses. Someone’s no needs to be respected. Figure out where both of you want to say “yes” and keep in mind that full dissolution might be the outcome, even if that wasn’t the intent at first.
Escalate mindfully. Slower and more intentional escalation can prevent more painful de-escalation later. De-escalation is almost always painful in some way, but escalating slowly never hurt anyone.
Seek professional and community support if needed.