536 - Finding Your Voice: Navigating Control and Taking Back Your Power in Relationships
Power and control
Power imbalances exist in every relationship, but we often don’t think about them very much until they become a problem. Some possible imbalances of power could come from:
Age (one partner may be older than the other, and there is power that comes from both being younger in a relationship and being older).
Socioeconomic status/wealth (one partner might make more money than the other one and this can result in a deep power imbalance between the two people).
Able-bodied vs. disabled (for example, one partner might be more mobile than the other, or one partner might need more care than the other when it comes to disabilities or might need more recovery time after a long day out with another partner).
Gender.
Race.
Sexuality.
If non-monogamous: The amount of time that someone has been practicing polyamory or other forms of non-traditional relationships.
“Power is the ability of one person to exert control and influence within a relationship or group.”
Power can be a good thing in a relationship. It can help people complete tasks, provide emotional support and comfort, take charge when needed, and more. But there’s also a darker side, and when power and control start to be exerted over another person, we can run into issues.
What does power over someone look like?
Some possible examples of power exerted over another might look like:
Constant criticism of a partner including their clothing choices, physical appearance, or other actions resulting in low self-esteem.
Extreme jealousy and accusations of infidelity (even in polyamorous situations), or an attempt to control their interactions with other people. This could also include things like looking at a partner’s phone or emails without asking permission.
Using emotional support or physical touch as a way to reward behavior, and then conversely withholding it if a partner is doing something they don’t like.
Needing a huge amount of reassurance from a partner even if their partner isn’t giving them any reason to doubt their love and affection.
Guilt-tripping a partner, gaslighting a partner, and hold grudges for long periods of time (and bring up past infractions long after the incident occurred).
Lack of respect for their partner’s boundaries or for the agreements that were mutually created during the course of the relationship.
Feeling extremely entitled to their partner’s time, energy, and emotional bandwidth.
In extreme cases, isolation tactics can be used to keep a partner from their friends and family.
Additionally, creating total financial dependence on a partner can be an extreme form of control. This includes creating a lack of financial independence and not allowing them to have their own money or credit cards or any ability to make financial gains on their own.
These situations may sound extreme, but they can show up in more innocuous ways as well; these are simply some examples. According to the research, when you lack power in a relationship, it can have lasting effects on your mind and ability to think critically or perform difficult tasks.
Taking your power back
How do we reclaim our power? Feeling powerless in a relationship can wreak havoc on your emotional life. You may:
Feel like you need to walk on eggshells around a partner because you don’t know what kind of mood they are in or what might set them off that day.
Exhibit behavior like diminishing yourself for a partner in various ways, or choosing to not let them know if you are going through something emotionally difficult.
Choose to stop doing things like hanging out with people they don’t like or stop engaging in activities that they don’t approve of.
If they do anything to upset you, you might choose to emotionally regulate to a point where you simply don’t bring it up and bury the issue internally.
Generally make excuses for how to change the situation or make excuses for why you can’t leave the relationship. You may feel powerless to do so for a variety of reasons.
Some options for taking power back could include:
Retaining financial independence and making sure that you’re not reliant upon another individual in order to survive.
Making sure that you don’t compromise heavily on things like work, friends, goals, or on the things that you love to do.
Truly taking time for yourself to focus on your own individual healing and internal processing. This also may mean working with a therapist to help facilitate that journey.
Working to understand the transient nature of all things, including relationships, which can help you care for them fiercely and cultivate them when you’re in them, but also to not let them become the majority of your identity.
Knowing that your time is your own, and no one is entitled to it but you.
Not all of these are feasible for everyone, depending on their situation. If you’re reliant on another person in ways that make it impossible to do some of the above, that’s ok! It’s important to simply be working towards regaining your power, or putting systems in place before you enter another relationship.
You can also try this journaling exercise:
What things in my life do I love the most and feel like they are intrinsic to who I am as a person? How can I ensure these things are always a part of my life?
What are things I am not willing to compromise on in a relationship?
What are the relationships in my life that are not romantic that are the most meaningful to me? How can I ensure these relationships will stay important to my life?
Do I have savings and financial security? How can I ensure that I continue to strengthen my financial security over the next five years?
What are some ways that I can continue to work on my mental health in order to stay empowered and comfortable in my own skin?
What are the ways in which I can put myself first and make sure that I always communicate my wants and needs in all of my relationships?
If you’re currently in a relationship, how well does that relationship align with the answers you wrote down? If it doesn’t align as well as you want, try the following tactics to try to realign your power imbalance:
Open Communication: Start by having a frank and honest conversation with your partner about how you feel. Clearly express the need for more balance without blaming or accusing.
Self-Reflection: Assess your own behavior and contributions to the power dynamic. Recognize areas where you may need to assert yourself or change your responses to patterns that often come up.
Build Confidence: Increase your self-esteem by engaging in activities that make you feel competent and valued. Confidence can naturally lead to a more balanced power dynamic.
Seek support or professional help: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your situation. External perspectives can provide insights and emotional support.
Negotiate Roles and Responsibilities: Ensure that both partners engage in decision-making and share responsibilities equally, whether related to finances, household chores, or parenting.
It’s ok to break up: If you are in a situation of true imbalance with a partner unwilling to negotiate or change their behavior, or if you are in an abusive relationship, take steps to exit that relationship.
Stay tuned for the next part of this series where we explore these situations from the perspective of the one being controlling!